It sparkled and glinted all snug in my cave, The treasure I took, they couldn’t save. From Fairies in the north and Gnomes in the south, they couldn’t protect themselves from the fire in my mouth. They shot arrows at me after I’d made my haul, but my hide was too thick, they didn’t pierce […]
Archive | December, 2011
Ketchup and Mustard Until Death Do They Part
We stare at them a lot, the twins down the street. Not because they’re twins or even because they’re conjoined at the spine. We stare mostly because they don’t look like twins. They don’t even look like they should be related. Mikey saw them on his first day in town and said, “Those two really […]
Spontaneous Human Combustion
Pity portly poor Pamela Deezer. Someone oughta buy her a freezer. She got so excited she up and ignited, torched her old Ebenezer. Old Eb, he talked with a lisp, and hissed himself to a crisp. One leg and one foot was all she could put in the coffin containing his wisp. Phil, a philandering […]
Doggy Dealer
Sheep Mutton
Insults to Be Hurled When Your Star Is in the Ascendant (A Translation from the Persian)
Son of a green wind. Bitch queen of the toilet bowl, Your gonads are like fantastic maracas. You smell of Kurdistan And your intellect is somewhere between medieval And a cabbage Stalk That has been left to populate A regimental latrine. Mix that with your eyelids! Fetid parachutes of flesh Adorn your scrofulous physique. Your […]
The Hippest Record Store in the World
North Indian Global Zombie Trance Jazz Barbershop Darbhanga Fusion Rai Ska Outlaw Country Operetta Neurofunk Madrigal Throat Singing Freestyle Acid House Flamenco Twelve-Tone Boy Groups Dark Ambient Ragtime Klezmer Surf Trance Gregorian Chant Bluegrass Andean Reggae Black Metal for Lapsed Lutherans Mississippi Delta Blues-Inspired Chinese Opera Alpine Yodelling Samba Fusion Mariachi-Polka Waltz-Punk Post-Dubstep Bubblegum Latin […]
Dolores and Eddie
Dolores and Eddie, perpetually slumped on a steamer trunk The Gaiety Dance Team is on the skids again Lost in Vaudeville’s faint and lonely echo Eddie’s running through the act in his mind, tinkering, scheming Fingering the old-soft-shoe sand in his pants pocket Dolores stares, red-eyed, at the platform floor Her tiny purse is empty […]
The Rules of Baseball (as Explained to a Limey One-Night Stand)
mate, this isn’t cricket you don’t score by going back & forth and back & forth it’s baseball — you’ve got to touch first base second base and third base before you slide home
Nice Kitty
“Here Kitty – let me pet your pretty fur” No. I don’t think so. (Yawn) This ledge is warm and I am busy watching my snack at play … “Here puss puss puss” Hmph. You weren’t so sweet when I brought you that juicy hoppy thing. Your scream curdled my milk. “Come and have a […]