Archie – Marry Veronica for the money. Despite marriage, continue doing Betty behind the Riverdale High gymnasium until pregnant then drop affair and call up Cheryl Blossom. Batman – All in all, try not to be so damn dark. Also, double check size of Robin’s cod piece. Ensure mine is bigger. Blondie – After 70-years of marriage to […]
Archive | December, 2011
New Diet
Instructions on How to Sneeze In Your Little Brother’s Face
Take a clean piece of 8” by 11” computer paper. Fold the paper in half. Keep your freshly folded piece of paper in your hand, and walk to the kitchen using your left, then right foot. Once in the kitchen, open the folded paper and place it in a dry space on the kitchen counter. […]
A Fishbowl Tale Part I
The Chronology of a Dog’s Day
6:38 am – Roll out of doggy bed and yawn. Get a whiff of own breath and question why it smells of feces before finally remembering the ten minute anal cleaning from the night before. 6:45 am – Jump on master’s bed and lick master’s nostrils until he agrees it’s time to go outside and […]
The Good Master
The old boy stood by my bedroom door He stretched out his back and yawned in my face He lifted his leg, I told him there’d be trouble But he called my bluff, and so I scrubbed the rug
The 10 Signs your adult son to addicted to Star Wars
#10 Took a trip to Jamaica to perfect his Jarjar dialogue for use in future Star Wars conventions. #9 Asks his girlfriend to wear a solid bronze bikini before chaining her to the bedposts and forcing her to call him Jabba. #8 Refuses to attend midnight mass on Christmas and cites the Force as his […]
A Select Filmography of Keanu Reeves
BILL AND TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE (’89) we travelled through time the short dead dude and his friends helped us learn… some stuff POINT BREAK (’91) as johnny utah undercover fbi i help catch bodhi (who was played by the totally non-heinous patrick swayze) BILL AND TED’S BOGUS JOURNEY (’91) me and bill get killed then […]
Your Inbox is Full
to whom it may concern: i am sending this message out as a bulk e-mail to several companies and individuals who are woefully misinformed about my needs and desires my friends say i’m being foolish “don’t reply to these people! it’s just spam and junk mail” but i like to give everyone the benefit of […]
Paris Hilton on Tara Reid
She always seemed like she was having a good time, you know? At P. Diddy’s party she did Jello shots with Nicky on top of the bar while Lindsay Lohan regaled partygoers with a dramatic reading of Charge of the Light Brigade clad only in bed sheets. It was so hot! But lately Tara’s been […]