Let’s Go Play in a Lightning Storm! The Many Adventures of Ricky the Rabid Racoon Hubert the Happy Hobo and the Magical Alleyway Candies from Strangers Taste the Sweetest Let’s Guess what’s in the Unmarked Bottles Kimmy the Klepto Goes to K-mart My Daddy Used to be my Mommy Spongebob Nopants Goes to Court The […]
Archive | December, 2011
Crapped Pants
An Alcoholic’s Best Friend
The 1999 PGA Championship, Interrupted
Announcer 1: Welcome back to ESPN’s live coverage of the PGA Championship. Tiger’s performance during this tournament has been pretty spotty so far — he’s got a rough round ahead of him today if he wants to come out ahead of Sergio on the leader board. Announcer 2: Definitely. He’s made up a lot of strokes, but […]
The Dingo Deliberations
“I wanna name the baby ‘Dingo,’” said Natalie. “Christ’s sake, Natalie, grow up. We aren’t gonna call it ‘Dingo.’” “Actually, I kind of like ‘Dingo.’ For a boy, right?” “For a boy or for a girl.” “If it’s a girl it has to be something more girl-like. I dunno, maybe ‘Dinguette?’” “A dingo is a […]
Luca Brazi
The poor man’s wife has a deep man’s voice, kind of like Luca Brazi, Don Corleone’s bodyguard from The Godfather. At night in bed, in the dark, he dreads the moment when he hears that voice whisper: Hey, we gonna do it tonight or what? Then he waits for a large Sicilian hand to begin […]
Moving on Up
The Dink
The dink. Right. For sure. The dink is where it’s at. An elemental truth. No doubt at all. The whole dink and nothing but the dink. It’s self-evident, all the proof you would need. I dink therefore I am. Let us praise the dinks of this world. Rich and poor, high and low. We retire […]
The Secret Language of House Listings
cozy = cramped quaint = pre-code homey = two-to-three layers of floral wallpaper throughout charming = held together mostly by decorative molding rustic = wagon wheel chandeliers in kitchen AND living room fabulous = agent watches design shows on BBC Canada character = no right angles whatsoever historic = haunted, but the ghosts are usually friendly, except for ‘Shrieking Pete’, who has a […]
Shehecheyanu
There is a Hebrew prayer called the Shehecheyanu, say it when you do something new for the first time, although this can be tedious, as every breath is new and it takes more than one breath to say. Say this when you: first eat a steak, walk on the moon. I should have said it […]