The 1999 PGA Championship, Interrupted

Announcer 1: Welcome back to ESPN’s live coverage of the PGA Championship. Tiger’s performance during this tournament has been pretty spotty so far — he’s got a rough round ahead of him today if he wants to come out ahead of Sergio on the leader board.

Announcer 2: Definitely. He’s made up a lot of strokes, but Tiger still needs to make some impressive shots to stay in the game. He’s got to get an eagle on this hole if he wants to remain competitive, and considering the shot he just botched, that’s going to be quite a challenge.

Announcer 1: That’s right. It’ll take incredible skill on his part to recover from a mistake like that, even for a seasoned veteran like himself.

Announcer 2: There’s a bit of delay on the green — he seems to be having a heated discussion with his caddy. All right, he’s selected his club, and . . . huh. That’s surprising.

Announcer 1: I’ll say. A short-range chip shot at that distance doesn’t call for a 7 iron.

Announcer 2: True, but I’m referring to the rippling portal of nether energy that’s opened up across the fairway.

Announcer 1: Ah. That’s going to complicate things.

Announcer 2: Looks like Tiger has to compensate for today’s unexpected wind speeds along with an ever-yawning cyclone to another existence, Dave.

Announcer 1: And let’s not forget those sand traps.

Announcer 2: Indeed. Sending a ball from this angle through a spiralling gravity vortex won’t be easy.

Announcer 1: All right, he’s lining up for the shot.

Announcer 2: That gate is pulsating with a suspicious energy, Tom.

Announcer 1: I hope for Tiger’s sake it doesn’t spill forth any creatures from beyond the stars!

(quiet laughter)

Announcer 1: Well, speak of the devil. Sergio’s lead isn’t the only thing working against Tiger for today’s title. Those emerging tentacles look ferocious.

Announcer 2: If I didn’t know better, I’d say the frightening, non-Euclidian angles visible beyond that portal belong to the R’Lyeh dimension, where an ancient one lays stirring in slumber.

Announcer 1: Looks like that 7 iron was a good choice after all.

Announcer 2: Especially when up against a Proto-Shoggoth of that size. He’ll need to make quick work of that extradimensional horror if he plans on completing this hole under par.

Announcer 1: He’s stepping up to the gate, looking collected. Oh! And what a dodge!

Announcer 2: I haven’t seen reflexes like that since the cultists of Atlach-Nacha attacked last year’s Masters Tournament.

Announcer 1: Agreed. Tiger’s still holding onto his club while using ritualistic chalk. A bit risky, but the man’s a professional.

Announcer 2: Those are some awfully specific glyphs he’s scrawling across the fairway, Tom.

Announcer 1: They sure are. He’s sealing the gate by inscribing an Elder sign. Another bold move, especially with the creature that far out of the portal.

Announcer 2: Seems like it’s working. And there’s another perfect dodge from Tiger. The tentacles seem to be dissipating, along with that sickening rip in the fabric of our universe.

(light clapping from the crowd)

Announcer 1: He’s stepping back up to the ball, lining up to the hole. And the swing looks good!


Announcer 1: And he sinks it! A remarkable shot, sending Tiger into the front of today’s rankings.

Announcer 2: We’ll be back in a moment with more coverage.

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