9:05 – Denial
Wokka wokka, world! The world’s greatest chucklefest is waiting to spring forth from my supple comedic writing loins in a messy orgasm of wacky hijinks and belly guffaws! Sure, I get distracted writing anything longer than a page, and still pretend that getting paid per word writing for the college newspaper counts as experience – but I am the uncarved stone, only in need of the time to discipline my craft and heal the world through laughter. After a few years getting rich from the teat of wordsmithery, I can retire to the countryside, get my hands dirty and get off the grid. Grow my own organic vegetables, make my own goat cheese, and spend my afternoons concentrating on starting the renaissance of modern painting and serious writing. Think Globally, Act Locally, right? I wonder if NetFlix delivers to the boonies.
11:15 – Anger
Hell in a hand basket, man. The world is set to pop and I’m withering away – time to fight the system! I’ll change the world by organizing some huge charity for something or other, maybe involving trips to exotic locales in India or Brazil. Might as well rack up some frequent flyer miles in the process, no? I could use my knowledge of various things to inspire the youth of the world to rise up and start the revolution. “Thank you, meester,” a young starving urchin will say in broken English, “if you no teaching me how to get unlimited lifes in Contra, do Ryu special move in Street Fighter II, create basic HTML, and make farting noise with my kneepit, me family would have no lived!” You’re welcome Dut Dut, you’re welcome. Now excuse me, I have to go beat that high score on Minesweeper and go out for a coffee. Free Trade, of course.
2:15 – Bargaining
I ain’t getting any younger, that’s for sure. Time to get some money together, be realistic, get a down payment for a condo instead of renting. Maybe buy a couch. Leave the misguided aspirations to the young, start reading serious books and grow a decent beard. I’ve got a couple college degrees, I should be able to piece together an office job with decent coffee and benefits and vacation time. I could always make stuff on the weekends. Is Idol on tonight? Maybe I could microwave some Mac and Cheese.
3:12 – Depression
Call me office monkey. I’ve wasted the best years of my life staring at a screen in a cube and now it’s all downhill into irritable bowels, prostate checks, and mind-numbing work until I’m downsized for a robot that can do my job twice as fast with half the smell. The only question left is whether I’ll get the cancer from the recirculated air or the insecticides on the fruit.
5:47 – Acceptance
Fuck it, I’ll just sell some crap on eBay.
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