The safe word is Dorothy


They say the Minotaur was a hideous beast who chewed on the flesh of virgins
But he was probably just a deformed old Greek who hid in a cave
until some disgruntled teenager wandered in with a knife and shanked him
Which is kind of a scary story
Especially if you’re a funny-looking pervert
Say what you will about premarital sex
It’s infinitely more exciting than its marital counterpart
Because marital sex is really just a unicorn
But without the massive erection strapped to its forehead
Nothing says “I’ve lost that loving feeling” like a man who takes his wife by the hand and utters these magical words: “Honey, I think we should experiment with something the Internet calls risk-aware consensual kink”
Letting your lover tie you up and slap your ass with a frozen cod while you gag on a pair of slightly soiled underpants you bought online from Japan for $84.99 (plus shipping) is all good fun until you forget to cry “Dorothy”
Dorothy was an innocent
And innocence is a virtue
Even if it’s routinely fetishized
And really just a kind of insanity
There was a time when lobotomies were considered surgeries of the soul
And mercury injections the cure for a toothache
Never trust a man in a white coat
Unless he’s also wearing white pants and a bow tie and carrying a bucket of severed limbs from a mutated chicken
In which case trust him because he can make things turn see-through
And that’s a hell of an asset to find in a friend
Especially if you’re a funny-looking pervert

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