If trees could talk they’d probably just scream


They say candy is dandy but liquor is quicker
Which is a nice little aphorism
Even if it does lead to post-coital vomiting
And gives poetic credence to overeducated chauvinists
Nothing says “I’m the inconsequential child of someone who actually did something” like a twenty-five-year-old in an Aston Martin
The only thing more tragic than an aging playboy is a young one
Unless of course the old one is crippled by gout and sprawled out helpless on a zebra-print rug in his silk pyjamas listening to the youthful moans of his lovers as the Argentinian pool boy takes his place in the Wednesday night orgy down the hall
They say loneliness is a choice
But it’s really not
Especially if you’re ugly
I get that wit is the embodiment of educated insolence
Charm the lube with which we grease our funny spots
Confidence the canopy that masks the delicate forests of the soul
And farts the ghosts of the foods we eat
But none of this gives any insight into life’s most pressing questions
Like why I can’t poop on vacation
Or pee in a urinal unless it already smells of asparagus
Say what you will about First World problems
They’re still problematic

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