The Cannibal’s Guide to Veganism

Whether you are completely new to the concept of veganism, learned about it in jail, or are taking the plunge for health reasons, switching from cannibalism to a vegan diet is one of the most difficult but most rewarding lifestyle changes you can make. Doctors typically recommend that prior to going full vegan, recovering cannibals first transition into a regular carnivorous diet, practised in conjunction with a rigorous program of cognitive behavioural therapy for a “cooling off” period of five to ten years. But chances are, you aren’t big on what’s “recommended” by “society.” If you’re one of those brave few wanting to make the transformation in days instead of decades, our “white-knuckle vegan” tip guide is just the thing for you.

Tip #1: Giving up cannibalism cold turkey is tougher than an overcooked alcoholic’s liver. If you have a hankering for human skin you just can’t shake, salt a piece of unwashed lettuce and put it in the microwave in a bowl of toilet water. After removing the lettuce from the steaming, salty grey water, allow the lettuce to cool. The resulting product will taste like a soft (but delicious) piece of human flesh.

Tip #2: Maintaining a balanced vegan diet high in protein is both difficult and expensive. To make your new lifestyle more convenient and affordable, try growing some of your food in a home greenhouse. Tending to a greenhouse is not only economical, but also provides a great opportunity to empty your fridge and freezer of any leftover morsels you might have been saving, which make great fertilizer. While a greenhouse can be a lot of work, it will also give you privacy when gardening. Besides, why go to Whole Foods when you can go to your own backyard?

Tip #3: Do not, under any circumstances, go to Whole Foods. One step into the wrong aisle and you risk becoming lured by the endless supply of lean, organic, perfectly marbled people lingering in the quinoa aisle in their track pants like they don’t even know the security camera was just knocked out of position by a zucchini you picked up on your way in, gleefully swinging their baskets and listening to their iPod Shuffles that drown out the noise of the forklift stalking them from behind and about to use four thousand pounds of organic yams to turn their bodies into raw chili for you to scoop into a few bulk-bin bags and throw into your cart as you coolly explain to the manager that one of their employees must have crushed a display of raw beets as you stand drenched in red, basted in your own carnage, orgasming uncontrollably. You promised yourself you would never go back there because that place is a madhouse of temptation and you are no saint, but you convinced yourself you needed to go back to do “research” even though deep down you knew it was just a contrived excuse, and even though you shouldn’t have gone back, it’s not your fault because security was so lax, plus the key was in the forklift, so can anyone really blame you?

Tip #4: This brings us to our next point. The most difficult aspect of switching to veganism cold turkey is spending time shopping in the proximity of vegans, who have been said to be some of the most delicious people in the world. Imagine quitting smoking, but the only place you can get nicotine gum is in a cigar lounge. You’re obviously going to slip up once or twice, so it’s probably better if you just forgive yourself ahead of time.

Tip #5: With the previous tip in mind, consider having your groceries delivered, but be sure not to answer the door unsupervised. Try inviting a trusted vegan friend (your “sponsor”) over when you get your groceries delivered by that vegan-store delivery guy with the succulent forearms to make sure you don’t do something you’ll regret.

Tip #6: On second thought, have your sponsor stay home. Imagine trying to get off heroin, but your sponsor is a giant anthropomorphic needle filled with high-grade heroin that you don’t even have to pay for. If you see your sponsor, you relapse. If you don’t see your sponsor, you relapse.

Comments are closed.