Justin Trudump


A Speech by Justin Trudeau if Justin Trudeau
Spoke Like Donald Trump

The reason we’re not backing out of the Saudi arms deal is, well, first let me say, I consult on these things with my cabinet, which, by the way, is an incredibly diverse cabinet. Incredibly diverse. You’ve never seen a more diverse cabinet in your life. Have you seen the number of women in my cabinet? Yuge amount of women. Tons of women. Fifty per cent of my cabinet is women; no one’s ever done that before. People ask me all the time, “Justin, why do you have so many women in your cabinet?” They do, they ask me that. And I tell them, you know, because it’s 2015. I know how to hire people; I used to be a camp counsellor. Very, very successful summer camp, very successful, made a lot of money, transformed thousands of children’s lives. It’s true. And you know, summer camp is about teamwork. It’s not about me, it’s really not, it’s about the team. I went to my team, I said, “Find me a ton of women,” and they did. You know, obviously I didn’t say it like that; I’m a married man.

My wife Sophie, gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous. Just look at her, but don’t actually look at her because that’s objectifying. But just look at her. But don’t. But do. Beautiful, smart, mother of my children. Xavier, Ella and the other one. Love my children; I hired the best Filipino nannies in the world for them. These nannies, I couldn’t pay them enough. No, no, I do pay them enough, it’s just a figure of speech. Let me say something about these nannies, though. People ask me if they came here through the temporary foreign worker program, which, let me say, is a fantastic program, extremely successful, and we’re bringing over a lot of very high-quality people through these programs. Some people come up to me and they say, “Justin, aren’t you implicitly supporting a program that exploits foreign women by forcing them to work for below-market wages in exchange for an expedited path to citizenship?” I say that’s ridiculous. Have you seen how diverse my cabinet is? Extremely diverse. It’s almost too diverse. When I announced it people told me, they said, “Justin, your cabinet is too diverse, it’s too much. Canada’s not ready for this much diversity.” And I told them, “It’s 2015, we gotta do it.” Have you seen my minister of defence? He wears a turban. Did you see? I mean, I don’t want to make a show of how he wears a turban, it’s just a part of his religion. He’s the best guy for the job, outstanding soldier, national hero, very well-respected, but he’s Sikh too, so I have a very diverse cabinet I consult with.

All of them elected too. That’s what makes this country great. But we’re going to reform the electoral system, we will. We’re consulting right now, bringing in all the top people, very smart people, very high-quality people. And they’re going to tell us how we can reform it. And I’ve spoken to some of these people, and they’ve told me, “Justin, you’ve gotta do the ranked ballot. It’s the most democratic.” That’s what I keep hearing. That’s not me, that’s the experts. But people still come up to me and say, “Justin, won’t such a system result in a de facto institutionalization of Liberal governments for near perpetuity?” And I tell them, “Duh, we’re going to win.” Liberal supporters are going to be winning so much they’re not even going to know what to do with themselves, they’ve never won so much before in their lives. They’ll say, “Justin, please stop, we’re tired of winning. Why do we need to keep winning?” And I’ll say, “Because it’s 2045, that’s why.”

And sure, people criticize me, but what can critics say about me really, though? That’s why they talk about the hair. The hair, the hair. All they can talk about is the hair. Even journalists come up to me, they say, “Justin, what’s the deal with the Trans-Pacific Partnership and its net impact on Canadian employment rates?” And I tell them, “Hey, you got me, the hair’s real. All natural. I change shampoos every week. That’s my secret.” See? No secrets with me ever, I’m an open book.

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