Famous Quoted Scenes from Planet of the Apes, with Bonobos Instead of Chimps

SCENE 267: Taylor, a marooned astronaut and the only human still capable of speech, is recaptured after a desperate chase through the ape city streets. He finally regains his speaking ability, and yells in frustration at his gorilla captors.

Taylor: Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!

Cornelius catches up to them and pushes past the stunned gorillas. In behaviour typical of bonobos, he attempts to defuse the tense situation using sexual gratification.

Taylor: GAAH! Cornelius, what the hell are you doing? [incredulous] Get your stinking paws off me, you — you dirty little ape!

The gorillas get over their initial shock and stand aside to let Cornelius dry hump and grope the entangled Taylor for a minute or two. They finally sigh and pull the inflamed bonobo off the struggling human.

Gorilla Guard One: Fucking bonobos.

Gorilla Guard Two: [chuckles] Ya got that right.

***

SCENE 362: Taylor, his human consort Nova, the orangutan leader Dr. Zaius, and the bonobos Cornelius and Dr. Zira explore an ancient human cave. Nova discovers a talking human doll and drops it in horror when it says “mama.” Taylor confronts Zaius with this damning evidence of past human speech and intelligence.

Taylor: Dr. Zaius! Would an ape make a human doll that talks?

Zaius glowers defiantly at Taylor. Cornelius sees Zaius’s angry body language and tries to sensually massage Zaius’s shoulders.

Zaius: Unhand me, Cornelius! For the last time, I am an orangutan, not a sex-crazed pygmy chimp! By Proteus, how you bonobos get anything done is beyond me . . .

Dr. Zira then holds up a human “adult” toy.

Zira: Ooh — and what was this for? [giggles]

Cornelius: I have a few tantalizing ideas. How about you and I subject it to some . . . “scientific trials?”

Cornelius gesticulates suggestively and whoops at Zira, who grunts in response. Zaius and Taylor roll their eyes and groan simultaneously.

Zaius & Taylor: Don’t you two ever quit?

Zaius & Taylor stare at each other in surprise, then reluctantly shake their heads in grudging agreement.

Taylor: Fucking bonobos.

Zaius: [sighs] You have no idea.

***

SCENE 389: With the aid of Cornelius and Dr. Zira, Taylor and Nova escape. They stop to say their goodbyes before heading off to find their destiny in the Forbidden Zone.

Taylor: Doctor, I’d like to kiss you goodbye.

Zira: All right, but you’re so damned ugly. But what the hell, I’ll try anything once.

Taylor: Please don’t make me regret this.

Taylor leans in cautiously. Zira suddenly grabs the back of Taylor’s head and pulls him close, grinding her lips into his.

Taylor: MMMPH! [eyes go wide] No tongue!

Taylor manages to extricate himself from her embrace, then turns and spits repeatedly.

Taylor: I said no tongue! Fucking bonobos . . .

Nova giggles and tries to suppress her laughter.

Taylor: What the hell are you laughing at, Nova? At least she knows how to kiss!

***

SCENE 423: Taylor and Nova ride up a deserted strip of beach at sunset. Suddenly Taylor recognizes something in the distance and dismounts. He lurches forward, then crumples to his knees in despair. The camera pulls back to reveal the Statue of Liberty, bomb-scarred and half-buried in the tidal sand.

Taylor: Oh my God. I’m back. I’m home. All the time, it was . . . We finally really did it. [screams] You maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!

Cornelius has been secretly following the humans, hoping to observe them sexually consummate their relationship. Seeing Taylor so distressed, Cornelius leaps from his hiding place and once again attempts to mollify Taylor in bonobo fashion.

Taylor: GWAAH!! What the . . . oh for the love of God, not now Cornelius! Get off me — I mean it! And what’s so goddamned funny now, Nova?

Nova concentrates hard and slowly enunciates her first words.

Nova: Fu-keen ban-o-boos!

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