A Partial Taxonomy of Google Slides Animals, Narrated by David Attenborough

Anonymous Leopard: Similar to the domestic house cat, the Anonymous Leopard uses its feces to mark territory it “owns,” covering its area of the Google Slides ecosystem in shit. By the time other animals are alerted to its presence by the stench of excrement spread across multiple pages, the silent and speedy Anonymous Leopard is long gone.

Anonymous Bat: A nocturnal animal, the Anonymous Bat misses out on the action during the daytime. While other anonymous animals work hard during daylight hours, the Anonymous Bat is nowhere to be found. When the sun finally sets and other anonymous animals ready themselves for sleep, the Anonymous Bat goes to work, feeding on the ripe fruits of its labour. With the sun now rising, the other anonymous animals wake to see much of what they had accomplished during the previous day has been chewed up and spoiled.

Anonymous Elephant: Known for having a great memory, the Anonymous Elephant remembers all. While this is sometimes a welcome addition to the anonymous animal kingdom, its flawless memory is a testament to the evolutionary need of the ability to forget as a precursor for sanity. The Anonymous Elephant remembers every bit of minutiae from every meeting of the anonymous animal kingdom, and stomps around the deck trumpeting it back, driving other animals mad.

Anonymous Hyena: A natural pack animal, a lone Anonymous Hyena is a shy animal, rarely being so bold as to make any changes or leave comments, instead sticking to scavenging small tweaks and other leftover bits of work. But when joined by other Anonymous Hyenas, it grows emboldened to attack other animals higher up on the food chain, setting off a feeding frenzy of edits and comments.

Anonymous Cormorant: A small, fussy little bird, the Anonymous Cormorant is a mostly harmless presence in the Google Slides ecosystem, lacking the size needed to make any real impact. Known for its tendency to nest year-round, it makes the slide deck its home, constantly making small additions and endlessly moving little bits around, none of which have any real impact other than to make itself more comfortable.

Anonymous Crow: Despite being one of the more intelligent birds, the Anonymous Crow cannot help but be obsessed with shiny objects and other flashy things. Often appearing with the intent of providing a high-level bird’s-eye view, the Anonymous Crow instead rarely makes it past the first view pages, fixating exclusively on the animated GIFs and bright colours of the title slide, squawking its opinions for all to hear.

Anonymous Python: A silent predator feared by many, the Anonymous Python lurks silently, searching for an animal grazing where it shouldn’t be. Known for biting off more than it can chew, the Anonymous Python often expends all of its energy devouring a single large animal, leaving it dormant on a random page while it slowly digests.

Anonymous Grizzly: The top of the food chain and an apex predator, the Anonymous Grizzly is at the same time fat, slow, tired and looking for food more than a fight. For the most part, it is content to take a slow walk through the deck, eating snacks and taking a few rest breaks along the way, until eventually finding a quiet corner to hibernate for the next few months.

Anonymous Skunk: While relatively low on the food chain, the Anonymous Skunk is a vain rodent with a high opinion of itself, requiring other animals to afford it a wide berth to strut through the deck at its own pace. When unbothered, its impact is minimal, but in the event it is backed into a corner or thrown under a bus, it will cause a stink that will linger for weeks.

Anonymous Beaver: One of Mother Nature’s most industrious creatures, the Anonymous Beaver is nothing if not hard-working. Unfortunately, its effort is oft-misplaced. The Anonymous Beaver sees every breezy, easy-flowing stream of words as a threat, and as a result works diligently through the night to clog things up with walls of nearly incomprehensible wooden text. When every sentence ceases to flow, the beaver rests.

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