Archie – Marry Veronica for the money. Despite marriage, continue doing Betty behind the Riverdale High gymnasium until pregnant then drop affair and call up Cheryl Blossom.
Batman – All in all, try not to be so damn dark. Also, double check size of Robin’s cod piece. Ensure mine is bigger.
Blondie – After 70-years of marriage to a mediocre chump, shock the shrinking world of faithful newspaper comic strip readers by filing divorce papers. Cite husband’s lack of ambition and refusal to modify hairdo since 1930 as cause of irreconcilable differences.
Captain America – Distance self from current White House regime and pursue dual citizenship with France. Repaint stars-and-stripes on shield with guillotine and croissant. Grow moustache.
Daredevil – File lawsuit against Ben Affleck for degrading character with shoddy acting.
Dennis the Menace – Salt Mr. Wilson’s garden once and for all.
Dick Tracy – Finally make the jump from radio-powered two-way watch to blackberry.
Garfield – Learn to move lips while speaking.
Hobbes – Change name to Plato and adapt new view on life as a tiger with a somewhat more jovial yet classical outlook.
The Hulk – Use rage for evil, no more good deeds. Only flex when naked to avoid ripping clothes.
Invisible Woman – Refuse to play second fiddle any longer. Use invisibility in bed as weapon against Mr. Fantastic and push for equality within the Fantastic Four’s male dominated structure.
Obelix – Not be such a fatty. Lose weight by skinning wild boars before roasting on spit and eating whole. Join Curves For Men.
Punisher – Denounce and condemn capital punishment as immoral act. Consider changing name to Incarcerator.
Spiderman – Secure merchandising rights for Spiderman 3 through 18.
Superman – Practice some restraint with x-ray voyeurism. Only spy on Lois in bed, no longer watch her in shower. Ease up on watching Jimmy as well.
Tintin – Stop tucking pants into socks. Host intervention on Haddock’s drinking.
Wolverine – Do more for the community. Begin volunteering at local food bank as mutant can-opener extraordinaire for the blind. Also, rejoin PTA meetings despite last year’s “incident” with Bobby’s father.
Wonder Woman – Orchestrate a severe wardrobe malfunction in May issue to reverse recent downturn in comic book sales.
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