6:38 am – Roll out of doggy bed and yawn. Get a whiff of own breath and question why it smells of feces before finally remembering the ten minute anal cleaning from the night before.
6:45 am – Jump on master’s bed and lick master’s nostrils until he agrees it’s time to go outside and urinate.
6:50 am – Sniff through yesterday’s excrement before choosing that special patch of grass to water.
6:55 am – Watch master attentively as he scrambles his morning omelet. Tilt head and display puppy dog eyes until he tosses a slab of cheese to the floor. Inhale cheese and whine for more. Wag tale at the sound of the kibbles and bits and bits and bits as they’re poured into doggy bowl. Pounce on bowl as soon as it hits the ground. Nothing else matters for the next 90 seconds.
7:55 am – Wag and bark as master makes for the door. Bite at his ankles when it becomes apparent that he’s leaving alone.
8:00 am – Sit by the window and wait for master to come back.
8:30 am – Curl up on the carpet for first nap of the day.
9:35 am – Head to the toilet bowl for a drink.
9:40 am – Chew on master’s new Italian shoes, the ones with the smelly shoe polish.
9:50 am – Lick genitals to remove lingering taste of shoe polish.
10:00 am – Curl up by the kitchen door for second nap of the day.
10:38 am – Hear the sound of the postman’s footsteps as he approaches from the driveway. Covertly take position by the front door and wait for the postman to make his final approach. Remain inconspicuous until the mail slot opens. Erupt in a display of rabid madness, barking and clawing at the door. Wag tail in happiness as the postman clutches his heart and jolts back in fear.
11:00 am – Curl up in a sunny spot for third nap of the day.
12:14 pm – Head to the toilet bowl for another drink.
12:18 pm – While walking past kitchen door, catch a whiff of garbage bin under the kitchen sink.
12:20 pm – Examine feasibility of opening cupboard door using face and paws.
12:28 pm – Pry open cupboard door with paw and nose. Grab garbage bin with teeth. Toss bin across kitchen floor.
12:30 pm – Eat Kleenex, coffee beans, chicken bones, curdled milk, and rotting apple cores.
1:16 pm – Not feeling very well. Curl up on the carpet as bowels begin to clench.
1:24 pm – Commence heaving as body starts to reject garbage.
1:26 pm – Stumble into living room. Vomit under the piano on the expensive Persian rug.
1:29 pm – Examine vomit.
1:30 pm – Consume vomit.
1:35 pm – Still not well. Go back to sunny spot for fourth nap of the day.
2:17 pm – Wake up. Good as new. Sniff around house in search of raw hide. Locate cow hoof under master’s bed.
2:18 pm – Chew on cow hoof until it’s reduced to an edible size.
3:25 pm – Swallow raw hide and proceed to lick chops. Savor that lingering taste.
3:29 pm – Lie down in sunny spot with legs in the air and commence fifth nap of the day.
4:24 pm – Rush to front door and greet master with a wagging tale and countless doggy kisses.
4:36 pm – Jump with glee and bark uncontrollably as master attaches leash to collar.
4:38 pm – Choke self silly while dragging master around neighborhood on leash.
5:16 pm – Commence mating rituals by howling into the mid-day sky when passing upon Brandy, the bitch next door, who is also out for an afternoon stroll.
5:17 pm – Sniff Brandy’s rectum while master engages in mindless chitchat.
5:21 pm – Unable to effectively communicate affectionate feelings for Brandy through sniffing and barking, take to growling and lunging at Brandy’s jugular instead.
5:22 pm – Bark and jump in madness as Brandy and her owner head off in opposite direction.
5:43 pm – Defecate at the foot of a stop sign.
5:44 pm – Look on with silent satisfaction as master collects excrement in a shopping bag.
6:32 pm – Home again. Hide under master’s bed as he enters the kitchen and screams incomprehensible gibberish at the site of the garbage.
6:58 pm – Quietly emerge from place of refuge and join master in the den where he’s just lain down to stare at the funny box emitting sounds and light. Lay beside the sofa and insist on a belly rub.
7:04 pm – Pant joyfully as master proceeds to scratch behind ears.
7:06 pm – Rest quietly at foot of sofa.
9:25 pm – Clean paws, rectum, and genitals before curling up on doggy bed and calling it a night.
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