SCENE: Noah’s ark. Noah is seated at a rough wooden table, pouring over several charts. His wife Deidre is preparing their straw mattress, getting ready for bed. The soft roll of the ocean can be heard as night settles over their modest living quarters.
NOAH: Nothing… Three months, twenty-three days, and still not one scrap of dry land. When will this madness end?
DEIDRE: Noah, come to bed…
NOAH: Am I not God’s humble servant? Why must I be tested this way?
DEIDRE: It’s God’s plan, Noah.
NOAH: I know, I know. I just can’t help wondering. What will become of the children, Deidre? How will Shem and Ham make it in this brand new world?
DEIDRE: They’re strong boys, my love. You must have faith.
NOAH: And Japeth. What about that crazy used bait and tackle shop idea of his? How’ll he ever get that thing off the ground?
DEIDRE: Noah, you worry too much. (Leads him to bed.) God has never steered us wrong in over a hundred years. He won’t fail us now.
NOAH: Yes… Yes, you’re right. (They kiss.) You’re far too good to me, Deidre.
DEIDRE: (wicked smile) Now…Noah… How about being good to me?(She lets her robe slide from her shoulder and slips into his arms.) You know how mama likes it…
NOAH: Oooh mama… (Noah puts out the light and the sound of their giggling can be heard. There’s a sudden knock at the door.) Agh.(Stops, lights oil-lamp.) Now what?
DEIDRE: Get rid of them, Noah. Please—
NOAH: Oh, I will. Believe me. (Noah goes over to a pair of Dutch doors at the far end of the cabin. He opens the top door. A polar bear is standing out in the moonlight.) Yes? What is it?
POLAR BEAR: The ice machine’s not working.
NOAH: What? Again? I just fixed it this morning.
POLAR BEAR: You calling me a liar? I tell you it’s not working…
NOAH: Have you tried shaking it? I find that always works—
POLAR BEAR: (irked) Hey. Who do I look like? Bob Vila? I’m sweating bullets down there.
NOAH: (sighs) I told the hippos to crack a window. Why don’t you—
POLAR BEAR: Look, Pops. I’m a meat-eater. You get that thing working or I’m scarfing down seals like ballpark franks. (points) And you’re next on the menu. Got me?
NOAH: Yes, sir…
POLAR BEAR: Fan…tastic. (The call of an elephant can be heard in the distance. The polar bear turns and shouts.) What’s that? (Elephant trumpets again.) Yeah…okay…
NOAH: What is it?
POLAR BEAR: We’re all out of Doritos.
NOAH: What?? (The polar bear gives him the big eye.) All right, all right—I’ll get to it! Promise…
POLAR BEAR: You better. We got a poker game at nine… (He turns and leaves.)
NOAH: (Shuts door slowly, then kicks at the dirt.) Of all the— (Knocks over a chair.) What am I? The goddam maitre d‘ around here?!
DEIDRE: (Gets out of bed.) Noah…your blood pressure—
NOAH: I’ve had it with these animals, Deidre! Those hyenas up all the time, laughing at me behind my back. Cleaning up after the gibbons. And now those lousy…card-playing—
DEIDRE: (Throws arms around his neck.) Noah, please! We need them for The Promised Land… It won’t be long now. Remember what God said…
NOAH: Well. Whatever He said, (Looks up at the ceiling and shouts.) it didn’t include directions!
DEIDRE: Noah. Come to bed… (playful whisper) We can play “Interrogate the Mesopotamian”…
NOAH: (pauses, shakes himself) You know, Deidre…sometimes I wonder why you married a foolish man like me. Even if I am the last man on Earth! (Both laugh.) Come here, you little minx. (They put out the lamp.)
DEIDRE: Oh…Noah! (There’s a knock at the door.)
NOAH: GOD. (Stops, lights oil-lamp.) What was that??
DEIDRE: It was a creak, Noah. Just the wind—
NOAH: Oh no you don’t! That wind had knuckles… (He gets up and swings open the door. There’s nothing there. The flapping of wings can be heard and a budgie suddenly lands on the sill.) What?
BUDGIE: The gazelle won’t stay on his side of the ark.
GAZELLE: (distant) Hey! I heard that! (The sound of hooves running up can be heard and a gazelle sticks his head in the doorway.) I’m not doing a thing— (points) Him and his wife, they won’t shut up. All she says is “Who’s a pretty girl, who’s a pretty girl?” It’s driving us mad!
BUDGIE: You leave Gladys out of this!
NOAH: Listen. I told you…we all have to make sacrifices if we’re going to—
BUDGIE: You promised us a private room with northern exposure…and now we’ve gotta sleep with the zebras?? What kinda crap is that?
GAZELLE: Yeah! What kinda ship you running here, old man?!
NOAH: Fellows. Please! God said that—
GAZELLE: What? That voice in the sky again?
NOAH: Will you just listen to—
BUDGIE: (to gazelle) See? Told you the guy’s crackers!
GAZELLE: Yeah. The guy just won’t give up—
NOAH: But there is a God! There IS— (stops, points to the sea) Who do you think created that flood then??
GAZELLE: (looks, pauses) Yeah. So it’s the rainy season. Big fucking deal.
NOAH: That’s it! Both of you—get below! My sons’ll clear this up first thing in the morning.
GAZELLE: Yeah, yeah. That’s what you said last time…and another thing! Why don’t you—
NOAH: (Slams the door in their faces.) Three months…three months at sea with God on my ass. Now I’ve got the whole animal kingdom!
DEIDRE: Noah, will you forget about them? They do this every time.
NOAH: I’m going insane, Deidre! I can’t take another minute!
DEIDRE: You can’t take another minute.
NOAH: One more time… Just one more time and…and I swear I’ll—(There’s a knock at the door.) Aghh!
DEIDRE: Noah!
NOAH: (Heads for the door.) Mangy…stinking…good for nothing…(He flings the door open. A unicorn is standing outside, waiting.) What do you want?!
UNICORN: (long pause) Are we there yet?
NOAH: No!! ‘Course we’re not there yet! (Gestures out at the sea.) We won’t hit land for weeks!
UNICORN: But. How am I supposed to watch my Oprah?
NOAH: Look. You’re not watching Oprah—cause she’s dead! Okay?? How many times do I have to tell you goddam, stupid mouth-breathers?! It was the end of the world! Everybody’s dead!
UNICORN: (pause) What..? Even Nelly Furtado?
NOAH: Get out! Get out!! (The unicorn runs off as Noah slams the door. He stomps by his wife and starts rummaging around in the corner.)
DEIDRE: Noah..? (Long pause) Honey bear..? What are you up to?
NOAH: (finally, maniacal laughter) Deidre… Ask me what’s for dinner…
DEIDRE: (sighs) Okay, Noah. What’s for dinner?
NOAH: (Heads for the door and turns; he’s brandishing a shotgun.)Unicorn!! (Noah throws the door open with a crash and storms out, rushing by the open window.)
DEIDRE: (pause to watch Noah disappear) Damn… (rolls her eyes at the ceiling) That unicorn was the best fuck I ever had…
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