The following fictional conversation takes place between myself and See Yong Kook, a North Korean vacationing in Pondicherry, on the east coast of India. It was prompted by a dinner invitation extended to me by See who was, like me, strolling the seaside promenade. The hotels were all full and I boarded a bus up the coast before our dinner could occur. I eased my regret with this speculative fiction.
IM – Thanks for inviting me. I heard the seafood here is excellent.
SK – My pleasure. Yes, it is superb.
IM – I still, you know, not that I think you’re lying, find it hard to believe that you’re actually North Korean; I thought they didn’t let you guys out of the country?
SK – No. That is untrue. We are allowed to go wherever we wish. We choose, mostly, to stay.
IM – For the food?
SK – Not only, but for the freedom.
IM – Have you ever seen American Gladiators?
SK – No.
IM – Then you don’t know what freedom is.
SK – Americans are not free.
IM – Touché.
SK – Is that French? I speak four languages; none of them are French.
IM – …Ménage a trois?
SK – More French?
IM – See? I told you. You don’t know what freedom is.
SK – The French are more free than the Americans.
IM – They also smoke more. Do people smoke in North Korea?
SK – It is not advised.
IM – I suppose it would interfere with your legendary appetites.
SK – What do you mean?
IM – Well, the only North Korean we’re allowed to see is Kim Jong-il. And he’s not exactly, uh, waifish. Quite plump.
SK – He is not fat. He is in his physical prime.
IM – Ah, sort of like our leader.
SK – That would be Pierre Trudeau?
IM – Trudeau has seen better days. I’m talking about Stephen Harper.
SK – I see. Forgive me. What is Mr. Harper like?
IM – Pretty square, except the belly. He shakes his kids’ hands.
SK – That seems advisable. Proper.
IM – The Press didn’t think so. Then again, the Press don’t have kids. And when they do, they’re more concerned with divorces and don’t have time to drive them to school.
SK – Ah, the problems of a Free Press; it always interferes with education.
IM – Tell me about it. Free to have more divorces, more like it. What’s school like in North Korea, by the way?
SK- Enjoyable. Rigorous, firm, but enjoyable.
IM – You’re sure you don’t know what ménage a trois means?
SK – I told you already: I do not speak French.
IM – Right. So, what’s in your textbooks?
SK – The sciences: math, economics; ideological teachings, history. And cinema.
IM – What does the North Korean education system say about world economics.
SK – That North Korea is a rising power, with the world’s second largest GDP – second only to Papa New Guinea.
IM – I see. You know, that is entirely incorrect.
SK – It is correct.
IM – Well, they told us that Canada did a lot in the Second World War. I know how you feel, I suppose. What does it say about Brazil?
SK – Forests. Oil. Gorgeous women.
IM – Mmm. And South America in general?
SK – Intermittent bouts of nationalization between slightly longer, and increasing, bouts of leftist insanity.
IM – Whoa. And the women?
SK – Mainly gorgeous, except in east Bolivia.
IM – That’s incredibly accurate. I wonder why you said Trudeau.
SK – Do many people make that mistake?
IM – Yes. I suppose, in a way, Canada is like North Korea.
SK – Excellent. In which way?
IM – In that our dictators are crazy and our democratic leaders are invisible.
SK – Kim Jong Il is not invisible.
IM – I was unprepared for that remark. Touché.
SK – Please stop speaking French.
IM – What are you – an English-speaking Francophone?
SK – You’re getting hostile.
IM – Oh, sorry. I’m originally from Toronto, you see.
SK – Ah. The capital of your country. A population of three and a half million, I believe?
IM – Well, actually I’m from a suburb of Toronto. The suburbs of Toronto have a population of about thirty-two million people.
SK – What is a suburb?
IM – Perfect. Just say I’m from Toronto.
SK – Okay, I will.
IM – You know, you’re much more agreeable than a Torontonian.
SK – That’s because I’m North Korean.
IM – Makes sense. Oh yeah, Ottawa is our capital, not Toronto.
SK – Oh, I forgot. Sorry.
IM – No problem. So do we. Man, so what’s Pyongyang like?
SK – Beautiful: Many people interacting; perfect harmony; well-oiled machinery.
IM – Hey! You said you didn’t know what a ménage a…
SK – I told you to–
IM – Okay. Sorry. Sorry.
SK – And Ottawa?
IM – …Pretty shitty, actually. It’s really cold whenever I’m there. Hey, don’t you guys have a massive skeleton of a hotel?
SK – It’s under construction.
IM – Yeah, but since nineteen-eighty…
SK – It’s. Under. Construction.
IM – Sorry. I guess you guys had the sense to stop when you realized it would be empty most of the time; we kept going, and ended up with the Chateau Laurier.
SK – Who stays there?
IM – No one; except when our politicians go to court and all the lawyers from Toronto are there.
SK – Your politicians go to court?
IM – Bizarre to say so, but: Yes, fortunately. Don’t worry though, we never find them guilty; it’s all just an elaborate ruse to use up the spare rooms.
SK – In North Korea we execute our prisoners.
IM – Yeah, we don’t believe in that. America does, though – and Alberta.
SK – Is Alberta part of America, like Alaska?
IM – Not yet, but I hope we get a better deal when we sell it. Have you ever heard of Martha Stewart?
SK – Was she on American Gladiators?
IM – Sort of: she was on Donald Trump’s show, which is a more modern, relevant American Gladiators.
SK – Oh.
IM – Anyway. She went to jail.
SK – In America?
IM – Yeah, no one Canadian is that famous, except Michael Ignatieff.
SK – Did he go to jail?
IM – Not yet, he hasn’t actually tortured anyone they know of; but he practically has: he joined the Liberal Party willingly, and got elected.
SK – Did they execute Martha Stewart?
IM – Heavens no. She’s fabulously wealthy. Even really bad criminals like the guys from Enron usually have to knock themselves off before the U.S. government will execute anyone publicly listed.
SK – What is Enron?
IM – A sort of school where the economics textbooks seem to resemble the U.S. government’s.
SK – Unscrupulous capitalists.
IM – Exactly. Hey, speaking of wealth: You must be pretty stuffed to afford traveling overseas like this.
SK – I am a farmer. These prawns are fantastic.
IM – …Aren’t they, though?
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