“… these geese are here for your viewing pleasure.”
– Henderson Lake Parks sign
Ladies and Gentlemen, you know our next guests
from their innumerable appearances on Canadian stamps
and office calendars. You’ve doubtless seen them
in Audubon’s famous bird plates and Robert Bateman’s
more recent celebrated paintings. They’ve appeared
on numerous stages and floated gracefully, serenely
on the nation’s lakes; doubtless, have waddled
onto a wetlands weir or funky slough near you.
Always impeccably attired; always appreciated
for their flying V formations, flashy black and white flotillas;
stars of stage and screen, the best of bestiaries
and wholesome family nature entertainment shows.
Here on the back swing from their sellout west coast tour,
ladies and gentlemen, the Canada Geese!
Honk! Honk! Yes, yes. Wonderful to be here
in your fair city of — what? — Lethbridge, is it?
Yes, well… Wonderful, wonderful. And so
good to see you out there with your pets and prams.
I’d toss a stick myself, m’am, but I wouldn’t
want ol’glamour boy retriever there to steal
our shtick. Besides, I just had these feathers preened.
Honk! Honk! Yes, the missus here would never
forgive me if I got dog slobber on my best bib and tux
or got mistaken for a branch plant. Honk! Honk!
Well… We thought we’d get down tonight.
Do a little hip rotation and egg insemination
for y’all. Start with a little pick-up-stix —
Ooo, tha’s right. Why don’t you give me a
little sizzle on the cymbals there, Cyrus; a little
honkin’ blat and flatted fifth on the sax, if you please,
Eddie, baby? Honk! Honk! That’s it.
So nice. So nice. You know, it isn’t every day
we get to preen and strut for you fine folks — Honk! —
Here at Henderson Lake golf course and promenade — Honk!
I was just tellin’ the missus those poor folks
in Lethbridge are gonna think we fell asleep
while the ice was forming, and flew away with their lake.
Har! Har! Honk! Honk! Things are startin’ to
thaw out now, aren’t they? Ooo, watch that caboose,
Mrs. Simmons. Wouldn’t wanna have to goose you
while you weren’t lookin! Honk! Honk! But, hey,
ain’t I got a fine neck now? Go ahead, you can touch it.
Here, let me just give you a little waddle waggle
while Cyrus here starts to heat up the traps.
Yeah! That’s it! Don’t be shy now.
It’s all in the hips. You can do it. Let’s get down now.
You wanna keep that hula hoop rotation round
that ol’ Chrysanthemum moon. Ain’t no platta fatta
than the heart’s pitter patter. Ain’t that so, Doris?
Ooo, yeah! Feel those fat bass lines in the blood.
Jethro here’s come straight off the chitlin circuit
to fry you some neck bones now. … That’s it.
Let’s get under these collard green sheets. Honk! Honk!
We’d like to ease ourselves into a little number here
made famous by that dapper Greek gander —
Leda, you right, girl. So hot!
Got your nape in our bill now, babe. Oh yeah!
Don’t that make your blue eyes brown now, honey?
Honk! Honk! You right, baby! Get down now. Get down.
Here it comes! Honk a honk a honk a honk!
Funky tonk talkin’ at you, baby! A honk a honk a honk a honk.
Gonna shell a couple of goslings now. Ooo, yeah! Get down!
Feel that feathered glory? You know loose hips sink ships
but we don’t have to bump uglies to float your boat, babe.
A few breadcrusts ain’t gonna buy us no seat on Parnassus.
Ain’t no hurdy gurdy monkeys with tin cups
leanin’ on your broken walls. Agamemnon, schmegmon!
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