METROPOLIS — Superman’s muscles and spectacular stunts may be the result of anabolic steroids and not pseudo-naturally occurring superhuman powers, said a study released yesterday.
The Center for Superhero Ethics has released a scathing report alleging that Superman’s powers are an “outrageous exaggeration of norms surrounding superhero energy concentrations.”
The powers themselves, which include extraordinary strength, an increased aptitude for jumping, and the ability to unleash fawn-worthy television shows, have been the envy of the superhero community for decades.
The Center’s report comes on the cusp of other prominent drug-related superhero scandals. Earlier this month, the Idaho-based Congress of Superheroes ejected as members the Fantastic Four – for being artificially fantastic through heroin-use. Last summer, Spiderman and 43 other minor superheroes were similarly charged.
Francis Xavier, a professor who himself possesses super powers, said the study reveals the filthy, New York-style underbelly of the hero movement’s wunderkind.
“It all began with an examination of his weaknesses,” Xavier said, by phone from his private plane above the oil fields of Kazakhstan.
“There’s really only one. And just what exactly is kryptonite? Where does one find it? And who In God’s name would ever be carrying it around with them?” he said.
Xavier added that such an obscure and unreasonable Achilles Heel was the thin edge of the wedge in the report’s shocking findings.
Repeated calls to Superman went unreturned.
Bruce Wayne, a close friend of Superman’s, who moonlights as the superhero Batman, said he was “appalled and outraged” by the report’s findings but not completely surprised.
“His muscle definition is literally out of this world,” said Wayne, “that alone should be some sort of tip off.”
“I’ve also noted some rather disturbing shrinkage in the size of his cod-pieces in recent months,” he added, trailing off rather wistfully.
A source close to Superman, who wished to remain anonymous, said she thinks the report was too lenient.
“Okay, good. So you won’t tell anyone I’m Lois Lane,” she said, “Great, well, I’ve seen him – and others, mind you – jam more than just steroid needles into their arms. They like to get their fix, you know, before saving the grannies.”
“Clark says it upped his crime-fighting high,” said Lane, adding, “Oops, I meant Superman. Don’t print that.”
Lex Luthor, widely acknowledged as Superman’s nemesis, said he was thrilled at the Center’s findings. Speaking from one of his Manhattan penthouses, where he has been on a celebratory drinking binge ever since the report’s release, he said that he doubted whether it was true – off the record – but said that he would willingly go on the record saying it was true.
“I never doubted it for a second,” said Luthor, “the guy is a total creep.”
“There is that good enough? Good Samaritan-like?” he added, off the record.
Superman likely will face censure from the executive board of the Center for Superhero Ethics and possible expulsion from the Superhero guild, Local 212 Manhattan.
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