An Inquiry into the Legislation Surrounding the Use of Squirrel Monkeys in Street Photography

Mr. Snood: Would you, Mr. Secretary of State for the Environment, kindly explain what laws govern zoo operators engaging in street photography using squirrel monkeys as props?

Mr. Roper: Under the Zoo and Sanctuary Act of 1961, zoo operators must have a licence validated by the Chancellor for Animal Affairs. Furthermore, any creature removed from a zoo must remain in the zookeeper’s personal possession or that of “competent” persons acting on their behalf. You’ll also be interested in the Sharp-Toothed Animals Act of 1978, which requires that all zookeepers and animal handlers notify the local licensing authority before removing a squirrel monkey or any other animal appearing in street shows, organ-grinding spectacles, hoop-jumping, or what have you.

Mr. Snood: Ah! And that brings me to my second question, Mr. Secretary of State for the Environment. What, pray tell, is the legislation surrounding the wearing of cute little caps by squirrel monkeys?

Mr. Roper: Cute little caps?

Mr. Snood: You know. Like the ones that bellhops wear.

Mr. Roper: I see. Well, by the statutes of Article 8 of the Ludicrous Outfits for Monkeys Act of 1984, all caps worn by squirrel monkeys must be attached by a highly elastic string, allowing the primate in question to stretch the cap to its fullest extent, while simultaneously producing a “cheek-cheek” noise. Oh, and the animal’s eyebrows must be arched.

Mr. Snood: Are there particulars as to how zoo operators must transport their delicate little wards?

Mr. Roper: Naturally. The operator must provide details of the destination and method of transportation of the animal, as well as arrangements for its well-being and public safety. To make myself perfectly clear, transportation of animals in duffel bags or saltine tins is strictly prohibited. And don’t even consider slipping the monkey into your trouser pocket. All of this is clearly outlined in the Moving Small Animals Act of 1928.

Mr. Snood: Thank you, Mr. Secretary of State for the Environment. And may I ask you one more question?

Mr. Roper: Certainly.

Mr. Snood: Would you like to have your picture taken with this monkey?

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