Thomas Crapper didn’t invent the toilet

If AOL is to Ted Turner as AWOL is to George W. Bush
Then Saudi Arabia must be to rich in oil as Texas is to “Hands off my gun, you tree-hugging fascist”
I don’t understand IQ tests
Forrest Gump wasn’t a very smart man
Neither was the first Dutchman who looked at a tree and saw a clog
Horses sometimes throw off their shoes
You would too if they were nailed to your toes
Third-world children make good sneakers
Nikes shouldn’t cost more than a bowl of rice
Thomas Crapper didn’t invent the toilet
But we still shit on his name
Richard Nixon was not a crook
But he was a phallus
Dick Cheney enjoys hunting with friends
Shooting people is not a sport outside Wyoming
But cow tipping is
I don’t like long walks on a beach
But I do enjoy the sound of cats murdering songbirds
The Song that Never Ends is the most torturous tune in the English language
But I doubt it’s sung in the depths of Guantánamo
It’s a little known fact that the Bay of Pigs is actually filled with fish
And that Fidel Castro may already be frozen in carbonite
If the iceman cometh does that mean global warming is a lie
I don’t believe in science
But I do believe in Chuck Norris