Archive | August, 2010
Surrender to the Pandas
see diamanda and alexander, brother & sister rockstar pandas. everyone’s dithering ’round at the zoo, “these two pandas, aren’t they cute?”
Dating Responses from Duotrope
Dating Responses Thirteen-day rejection from Kendra Walsh on October 10. Twenty-one-day rejection from Amanda Jenkins on December 16. One-day acceptance from emo girl in line at Ben Folds concert on January 10. Congratulations! Fifty-two-day rejection from emo girl at Ben Folds concert on March 18. Thirteen-day “Let’s take a break and see other people” request […]
Sexual Slogans
A steak a day keeps the court away A touch a minute keeps the body in spirit A lie an hour keeps the chief in power An injection a night keeps the mind light A dinner a week keeps the heart freak A honeymoon a month keeps the government at arm’s length A trip a […]
Organic Obfuscation
If You’ve Never Seen John Carpenter’s The Thing, Disregard This, or Go Watch It
SCENE: In a lone cabin deep in the Antarctic, heavily dressed men in heavy beards sit huddled around a dying fire. One man, with the heaviest and most neatly trimmed beard, points a flame-thrower at various people and objects in the room while simultaneously shouting masculine threats and theories. Meanwhile, two men whisper to each other […]
Diane Reads
a haiku again I will singe her ovaries someone make her stop
Jambalaya: A Rejection
Upon reading your manuscript, we’ve decided to eviscerate you, couple our criticism with a searing personal attack. Your writing offended us greatly — I speak for our editors current and emeriti — and we would select certain word choices we disliked, but we truly hated every word, including mere articles, prepositions and conjunctions. Thanks to […]
