If You’ve Never Seen John Carpenter’s The Thing, Disregard This, or Go Watch It

SCENE: In a lone cabin deep in the Antarctic, heavily dressed men in heavy beards sit huddled around a dying fire. One man, with the heaviest and most neatly trimmed beard, points a flame-thrower at various people and objects in the room while simultaneously shouting masculine threats and theories. Meanwhile, two men whisper to each other at the back of the room. One of them doesn’t even have a beard.

Joe: “Hey, Dave?”
Dave: “What?”
Joe: “Are you the Thing?”
Dave: “Why? Are you?”
Joe: “Yeah.”
Dave: “Me too.”
Joe: “Sweet.”
Dave: “Hella sweet.”

They touch fists.

Joe: “So are Bob and George.”
Dave: “And Matt and Tom.”
Joe: “Nice.”
Dave: “Wait. So Bob and George are the Thing now too?”
Joe: “You better believe it, buddy.”
Dave: “Well, that’s all of us then.”
Joe: “Really? No, it can’t be.”
Dave: “Me, you, George, Matt, Tom and Bob. That’s all of us.”
Joe: “What about Joe?”
Dave: “You’re Joe.”
Joe: “Yeah, no . . . what?”
Dave: “Are you sure you’re the Thing?”
Joe: “Wait, is that the one that pretends to be human to take over the world and all that?”
Dave: “You’re thinking of the Conservative Party.”

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