Archive | December, 2008
Uncompromising
A young printer with his own press decided to create the perfect font. But he had exacting standards, which meant he never got past “A.” Every time he set down a version of the first letter of the alphabet, he found a fault and started over. His search for perfection became an obsession: all he […]
The Hat
It’s round, white and conical. And until last week, it sat silently in the corner of the office like some sort of rare bird, everyone knows it exists, but no one’s ever seen one in action. It’s got big, red felt letters on the side, D-U-N-C and half an ‘E’ that’s peeling off so it […]
St. Nick fell off the float this year
St. Nick fell off the float at the parade this year. Artery clogged heart attack or one too many swigs from the flask tucked in his beard, it wasn’t clear. As he tumbled down, clinging to the Metamucil ad tacked on the side of his sleigh, his fateful last words hung in the air “Thanks […]
Santa Claus — The Man Behind the Belly
Santa’s kind of a cross Between Superman And Grandpa. He smells like dirty dentures But has flying reindeer. He’s part 400 pounds, Part contortionist. He can eat his weight in elves But squeeze through a chimney. He’s like my eccentric Rich old uncle who locks Himself away To play dress up With velvet evening gowns, […]
Santa Claus Has Popcorn Balls
“Santa Claus has popcorn balls! Is that what I heard you say? Come here, you little shit. You’ll feel my belt today. “and here’s some soap, Take a bite of this. Who taught you to talk that way? That’s vile and disgusting. What a filthy thing to say. “Now get your cryin’ ass to bed. […]
Chris Oliveros
Founder and publisher of Drawn & Quarterly
An All-New Ice Crusade
WASHINGTON — Throughout recorded history, the children of earth have mobilized themselves to perform astonishing acts of kindness. Many of us no doubt recall such selfless and courageous deeds as the Children’s Crusade to save the Holy Land, the scrap drives to win World War II and, in more recent times, trick or treat for […]
Round
The sphere is the perfect shape for conserving heat, providing the least surface area per unit of volume, thus explaining why Santa lives at the North Pole.
