Shuts down press, shoots editor, lays off entire staff
It is with regret and sadness and a vague sense of ennui that Feathertale announces it has been forced to lay off everyone associated with it, including the founding editor, all its writers and the publication’s monkey mascot, due to the prevailing sense of despondency and despair in printed media. The move is doubly sad since absolutely no one involved with Feathertale was making any money from their involvement and because it just feels so damn bleak out there at the moment for everyone who writes for a living.
The first one to go was the Poetry Editor, because, even though the delightful verse passed down to us through the ages and created by our current generation of skilled poets could probably keep your crushed spirit alive during the end times and is probably a sign of how much our society values art, poetry is definitely a luxury at the best of times (and probably more like fire-starter during the end times), and so not only did we lay off the poetry editor, we confiscated and sold her collection of lovely poetry in order to milk a profit out of her (that almost sounds like poetry, doesn’t it?).
Ten year old publication had been living on government hand outs for 12 years. Hopes to maintain grant support to help fund new venture in sale of unused ink and paper supplies. Doesn’t bother to inform subscribers, suspects they won’t notice anyway.
The writers were next, unfortunately. Words and thoughts are not exactly at a premium these days, as is increasingly obvious from the fact that many writers are going the way of typesetters and hot-ink specialists in the seemingly endless layoffs in the modern media industry. Also, look at Twitter! People are literally writing stuff for free there, and some of it is actually pretty good. So why do we need writers on staff, or need to pay writers to work for us? Are they arrogant enough to think they are better than literally everyone else? Can you eat writing? No. From now on, we will simply copy and paste a whole bunch of tweets from the Internet and put them in our very-likely-to-remain-esteemed publication, saving money and also looking incredibly relevant and trendy at the same time.
The next to go was the art director, because it’s widely known that only rich aristocratic people and poor urban people appreciate art. The poor people can’t pay us for the art that we include in the publication, and are always asking for free copies like the layabouts they are. The rich people, on the other hand, don’t really read our publication, except to leave it out on their designer coffee tables in an effort to look hip and relevant; and in that situation, no one is going to read it, or look at the art obviously, so there’s no point including any art in it. From this point on, our publication will go with a “zero-illustration, the more white space, the better” design philosophy that is both extremely modernistic and probably avant garde but also very practical.
Unfortunately, we have also agreed to part ways with D’Artagnan, our monocle’d monkey mascot. Let’s be frank, the monocle was a bit much, but we still wish him well and all the best as we leave him outside the backdoor in the February chill at the mercy of probably a lot of raccoons.
It is also my sincere regret to inform you that the Editor has been taken out back and shot by a crowd-funded firing squad we hired off Craigslist, which was actually quite affordable, but even still, was just laid off (at great personal risk to yours truly).
Ex-Junior Writer Emeritus,
Iain Marlow (currently accepting writing assignments and scraps of food and also blankets, lots of blankets please, and also new socks).
Editor’s Note: Feathertale has not actually shut down its press, shot its editor or fired its staff. This story was meant as a satire about the state of the industry in 2016, which has been bleak, especially in Canada where print media has been shedding talent in order to save money. When we posted this we didn’t expect to receive emails of concern from contributors and subscribers. We appreciate the concern, but should point out that we’ve actually just celebrated our 10th anniversary by launching a new website and releasing a new issue of The Feathertale Review, which is now in bookstores.