(Two first-graders — Me and Chad — walking to school in December. We’re backpedalling to avoid the winter wind.)
CHAD: You haven’t been to the mall to see him, have you?
ME: Of course I have.
CHAD: Not this year, though. Right?
ME: We’re going on Saturday. What are you driving at?
CHAD: There were strings around his ears.
ME: And?
CHAD: Elastic strings.
ME: Spit it out, man!
CHAD: The beard isn’t real.
(We stop backpedalling.)
ME: Impossible.
CHAD: I yanked it down!
ME: Inconceivable.
CHAD: There was a two-and-a-half-inch gap between chin and beard! He was an impostor! My dad even said so.
ME: Really?
CHAD: He says that that was one of his elves. He says they disguise themselves because even he can’t be everywhere at once.
ME: Oh my God. Your dad’s lying to you.
CHAD: Huh?
ME: Of course he can be everywhere at once. How else could he deliver presents to billions of kids?
CHAD: Hmmmm.
ME: Be logical, man.
CHAD: You bring up a good point.
ME: And elves? They’re short with pointy ears. How is anyone going to mistake them for him?
CHAD: Guess I hadn’t thought of that.
ME: They’re called reasoning skills for a reason, Chad.
CHAD: But that beard definitely wasn’t real. I’m positive.
ME: Duly noted.
(I scratch my chin with my mitten.)
CHAD: So if it wasn’t him, and it wasn’t an elf, then . . . ?
ME: Just some random guy in a red suit. It’s the only possible explanation.
CHAD: But that means our parents have been lying to us all this time. It means —
ME: Precisely. He’s employed a human labour force to do his sub-Pole work for him.
CHAD: Oh. Right. Of course. That’s exactly what I was going to say . . . But, I mean, why would they lie to us about that?
ME: Use your head, man. If Santa’s farming out his job to others, despite the fact that he can be everywhere at once, he must be the laziest son of a bitch alive.
CHAD: I suppose so . . .
ME: Role modelling, Chad. It’s the name of the game, as far as parents are concerned. They want Santa to be a good role model, and they’ll tell any lie necessary to keep him that way. If billions of kids knew that he actually spent all day sitting on his big fat ass, none of us would ever do any work. We’d just sit around playing the very video games he gave us. Oh, the irony is rich.
CHAD: I feel so confused.
ME: The truth can take some getting used to.
CHAD: My whole world has been rocked. What am I supposed to do now?
(I grab Chad by the shoulder and turn him into the wind.)
ME: Take one steady step forward at a time. With each one, we draw closer to adulthood. With each one, we see the world more closely and more clearly.
(The winter wind whips in our faces and makes our eyes blurry.)
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