Brian Phillip Whalen
This Party, On or Near the Couch
616 Billy Sunday Rd., Apt. 209
Ames, IA 50014
(540) 333-4611
Dear Attractive Woman,
Please consider my date “Dinner at Café Shi, Followed by a Chocolate Milk” for acceptance in your Monday evening. I am currently a student in the M.F.A. program in creative dating at Iowa State University, where I am working on my next relationship, entitled “Casual, with Potential for Long-Term Commitment.” I live with my dog Webster.
My previous dates have been accepted by the following women:
– Gretchen Foulk, “High School Prom,” Binghamton, NY, 1998
– Amanda Cotton, “One-Night Stand,” Geneva, NY, 2001
– Kate Yenik, “Ice Cream Sundae,” Buffalo, NY, 2003
– Cathe Corbett, “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire,” Chicago, IL, 2005
– Meagan Smith, “Coffee and a Scone,” Harrisonburg, VA, 2007
I have also produced the following come-on lines:
– “Is there a goldfish up my nose?”
– “I stole this muffin.”
– “I don’t have foreskin, but I do have Tourette’s syndrome.”
– “You look sleepy.”
This date is a multiple submission. I will withdraw competing offers upon first acceptance, so please RSVP by way of thumbs-up or thumbs-down, or by text message.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Brian Phillip Whalen
*For reviews and further information, please contact my dating agent:
Luke Bergeron
Host of This Party
616 Billy Sunday Rd., Apt. 209
Ames, IA 50014
(515) 707-1642
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