But no one ever sees you after the show,
no one sees you go home to Mrs. Smiley,
if severe Mrs. Smiley is a tough crowd,
and harried Guy can’t earn enough to float her shopaholism,
and you smoke and drink to forget
all the slices of bread, all the redolent potatoes,
all the food you’d like to eat and the Missus never cooks.
I see you’re a Kraft Dinner maker, a bologna and cheese
(no bread; God, no bread) man.
Long after your wife has gone to bed (sleeping in separate rooms)
you secretly watch other game show hosts,
study them, your competitive streak still alive,
when much in you is dead. Why, Guy,
you should do yourself on your own show,
pull an It’s A Wonderful Life and resurrect yourself!
All that bourbon and Du Maurier and credit card debt
has left you worn, and insincere. Admit it, Guy:
you wish you were Bob Barker. And to think:
you give yeast and vegetable contestants their lives!
Your mom, Ma’am Smiley, could come out
and tell tales of how you practiced Announcer Voice
in front of the TV at five, how you drew a deep breath in,
and pure modulated sound came out
as your twin sister shrieked that she wanted to watch Sesame Street,
not You Bet Your Life. O, irony! Or your Pa,
who tried to interest you in mechanics and baseballs,
but your pastime was seeing how long you could hold your breath.
Or your sister, dear sister, who had you MC her wedding reception
(knocked up by your producer, and very pregnant. Showing!)
And, of course, your slim microphone,
which has withstood your spitting sibilants
for years. It could tell the tale of what you say
under your breath, so that contestants (stupid, fat, imbecile)
don’t know. Why not throw in a few starlets
(leggy celery stalk, voluptuous pear)
who thought your show a stepping stone
(if a bed is a stone.)
The guy we know is TV Guy.
What if your show was cancelled, Guy?
Would you cry or jump,
would your perfect voice crack,
would you hug a piece of produce,
would you become a salesman?
Another cruel irony: toaster pitchman.
Would you be able to wake up one day,
look in the mirror, and say
I’m Guy Smiley, only without the camera,
and know what that means?
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