Paper cuts are only dangerous when you’re naked


They say a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle
Which is a nice way to say that men are pretty much useless
Which seems fair
Unless you consider that a goose needs a gander more than a gander needs a goose
’Cuz a gander can always go and gander at a gander
But a goose can’t really goose a goose now can it
Know what I mean?
Nursery rhymes are kind of kinky and cruel
Three blind mice is a diddy about physical disabilities and animal cruelty
Rub-a-dub-dub is a nice little limerick about male companionship
and communal bathing in times of yore
Call me hebephrenic (noun, prone to laughing at inappropriate things)
or a spermologer (noun, an avid picker upper and retainer of useless knowledge) but nothing stimulates me like cuddling up naked by the fire with a 200-year old dictionary, a mouthful of ex-lax and a bottle of gin
The English language just isn’t what it used to be
Neither are pussyvans (noun, flurries), wonder-wenches (noun, sweethearts) or pizzle-grease (noun, ointment made from a pig’s dink)
I could probably go for some pizzle-grease right about now
Say what you will about perverted old men
Nothing says: “I miss my daughter” like an octogenarian
drinking alone in a strip club
People like to say we’ve come along way
But they forget about all the little things we’ve lost
Like telegrams, sarsaparilla and Shirley Temple’s hymen
Baseball gloves are only comfy when they’ve been broken in by balls and time
Assless chaps are not

Illustration by Miko Macaszek

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