Chevy Chase just doesn’t smile like he used to

You can’t make a potato out of an omelette
But you can make an omelette out of a potato
Which is at once a curious statement on the origin of creation
And a shallow attempt to give meaning to a latke
The Irish like to say, “Never rub your eye with anything but your elbow”
Which makes marginally less sense than the Welsh equivalent
“Never wipe your bum with another man’s hand”
Which is good advice, but ultimately impractical
For continence is a temporary virtue
Like hairless nipples
And my libido
Say what you will about nonagenarian comedy
But I still find Betty White entertaining
And mildly attractive
George Burns once said, “Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope”
Which is funny, in a “Hey, the hydraulic effect of blood entering and being retained
in sponge-like bodies within my penis isn’t quite working anymore” sort of way
And yet ultimately disturbing in a “Hey, I struggle to insert and rub myself
inside your grandmother like I used to” sort of way
They say you can tell someone’s character by what they choose to laugh at
But that can’t be right
Because I’m a good person
And yet here I am, with a smile on my face
and an image in my head of a blind dog trying to play fetch
Social norms were made to be broken
Like childhood dreams
And hymens
But not at the same time

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