When ancient scholars decided on the twelve animals of the Chinese zodiac, they were forced to reject scores of other creatures. With 2011 being the Year of the Rabbit — people born in rabbit years are considered kind and self-assured but can be superficial and stubborn — Feathertale pays tribute to a dozen of the beasts that failed to make the cut.
Bedbug: People recoil in your presence. You are universally abhorred, regardless of race or creed. The global population unanimously supports the extermination of those like you.
Dove: Who the hell do you think you are, acting like the embodiment of world peace? Get over yourself. You need a harsh lesson in humility.
Dung beetle: You reek of shit. There’s a reason why the world isn’t run by coprophiliacs, and that’s because most sensible people find the sight and stench — never mind the flavour — of fecal matter to be highly disagreeable.
Gerbil: You have an innate fear of Richard Gere movies, particularly Breathless and Internal Affairs. All your life you will be a victim waiting to happen.
Lamprey: You suck. Literally, figuratively and genetically. But as a parasite you have few equals.
Mosquito: You are a carrier of disease who thinks nothing of killing children and pregnant women. And those are your good qualities.
Orangutan: You enjoy Clint Eastwood movies way too much. You have low self-esteem and are jealous of chimpanzees.
Pigeon: People look down on you because you eat garbage and beg for bits of stale bread from crazy old ladies. You have nothing but contempt for the concept of personal hygiene.
Pufferfish: You have an extremely toxic personality. Anyone foolish enough to form a meaningful relationship with you will be poisoned by your soul and die in wretched agony.
Sloth: You are so lazy that your hand falls asleep while you are masturbating. You have a high likelihood of being asexual or ambidextrous but not both.
Vulture: You are a harbinger of death who feasts on the bloated corpses of the fallen. You are not much fun at children’s birthday parties.
Wookiee: Nobody can understand a goddamn thing you say. Your vile body musk frightens infants and the elderly. The vast scope of your social ineptitude makes you a pariah who transcends age, race and gender.
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