To avoid embarrassing truths like:
“I’m sorry my fiancé couldn’t make it tonight. I refused to let him out of the house wearing his online role playing outfit… really why do I have to have the fiancé who won’t take off his cape and wizard hat?”
Try the following:
“My fiancé, the pediatrician, is amazing. I’m so upset he couldn’t make it, but he’s off saving the planet one mal-nourished African baby at a time. Did I mention he is a pediatrician?”
***
“I’m sorry my fiancé couldn’t make it out tonight, you see he struck it rich a few years ago when he invented the reusable mesh and plastic coffee filter. He’s always been quite the environmentalist but also a coffee lover and he hated the waste that paper coffee filters created. Since striking it rich he’s devoted all his time, energy and money to helping forestry causes around the world but especially in Western Canada. His environmental NGO, (that he funds and runs) Friends Revolting Over Destruction of Habitats, FRO-DOH for short, has been quite influential in saving forest animal and wildflower habitats all over the world. In his spare time he trains as a fire fighter so he can be on the front-lines when forest fires encroach on invaluable areas of vast ecological splendour. Though he owns a forest fighting plane and can fly it since he is a trained fire fighting pilot, he often just goes into an area where the fire is trying to spread and tackles it with a bucket of water, some blankets and his own mammoth body to smother the fire and save the habitats of his little forest friends. Right now he is hosting a conference in Banff training forest rangers from around the world how to better fight the deconstructive force that is a forest fire.”
***
“Unfortunately my fiancé couldn’t make it tonight, he rarely misses anything that is important to me, he’s just that kind of caring individual, but he’s currently running a drop in centre in Vancouver’s drug addicted downtown east side that he funds with his own wealth. He became wealthy upon the death of his brother, lead fashion designer at a high-end shoe store, who made his fortune by using highly paid workers and all post consumer recycled materials. Unfortunately, however, he got mixed up in crystal method and died in my fiancé’s arms. It broke his poor mother’s heart. At that point, my fiancé went back to school and became a doctor specializing in addictions, and has decided to devote the rest of his life to getting young people off drugs and off the streets so no other mother will have to go through the pain his mother went through when she lost her eldest son. As much as he really wanted to be here to meet you all, his drop in centre means the world to him and he really doesn’t like to leave it for long periods of time.”
***
“I’m sorry my fiancé is unable to make it tonight, he’s down in Washington advising the food and drug administration on the approval of a new variety of ‘for her pleasure’ condoms. You see as a leading sex therapist and women’s rights advocate, he thinks if more sex were initiated by women, women would also be more demanding in other parts of their lives. He feels a grass roots sexual revolution brought on by women in the first world could quickly spread to the developing world. He’s flying to London first thing tomorrow morning to record a new celebrity charitable single organized by Geri Halliwel and then will be showing off his pecs and abs in the nude photo shoot that goes along with the song. All funds raised by the photo shoot and single go towards sex ed and condoms for women in the developing world. I really wish he could be here, as does he since he would love to meet such a great group of empowered women.”
***
“I’m sorry my fiancé couldn’t make it tonight, but he’s at his show in Los Angeles. He’s a world famous sculptor and tonight his exhibit is closing at an art gallery there. His study of the female genitalia is extensive and his giant sculptures of both types of genitalia have been widely used by medical schools as a teaching device since they are so detailed. It really helps the students grasp the wide variety of shapes and sizes out there. The medical world is so happy with his work, tomorrow he is flying to New York City for the opening of a new gallery that will permanently host his sculptures in the NYU medical school. The gallery will be called Physicians Educational Nether-regions Informative Sculptures, or PENIS for short. His next work will be on breasts – he has been commissioned by the breast cancer society to make a large sculpture for outside their Toronto head quarters. Since he has had such a successful year, all the money he makes from the breast project will go towards victims of female genital mutilation in Africa since he really is at heart not a breast man, but all about the vagina.”
***
“As much as I would have loved to introduce you all to my fiancé, I am super excited for what he is doing instead tonight. As you probably know, he and I share a common love for cooking. Tonight he is at a meeting with the Food Network about getting his own show. You see, last week he and I were out at the St. Lawrence market shopping for ingredients to make a fantastic romantic dinner for two when a young child collapsed due to his blood sugar being too low. His mother informed us he had diabetes. My fiancé then quickly went to work using a match from my purse, the paper bag our baguette came in and some twigs to start a fire, then with the other ingredients we had bought he whipped up a fantastic hot healthy meal for the young boy right there on the edge of Front Street. Not only did this help the boy (who did not have any insulin with him), the boy also thought the food was fantastic! His mother explained to us the reason his blood sugar had gotten so low was that he is an incredibly picky eater! She then called her husband to tell him about the ordeal and ask him to come pick them up so the child would not have to walk home. She told him about what had just happened and about the meal my fiancé had made… and the father it turns out, is the talent scout for the Food Network! Well when he arrived to pick up his son he tried the food and…”
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRING
‘…. sorry, its my fiancé, do you mind if I answer?? Hello? OH MY GOD THAT’S FANTASTIC I LOVE YOU TOO. BYE!’
“Yeah, he just got his own show.”
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