The party last night started off amazing. All my best buds were there, the music was blasting and there was muchos cerveza to go around. My buddy Mike even brought some girls from his office. Everything seemed to be going according plan.
Then Darren showed up.
Darren had come uninvited as usual. At first I just tried to ignore him but, true to form, he cornered a group of us and launched into a long-winded story about his recent botched dental surgery. After that he drunkenly began offering to demonstrate the finishing moves of “well-known wrestlers” on any “interested ladies.” He was an instant party-killer. Not unlike that massive and enraged brown bear that wandered in and started killing people.
I couldn’t believe what happened next. People began frantically barricading themselves in the bathroom or hiding in cupboards. A couple of girls just ran away hysterically screaming. One guy even asked me if I had bear spray. Can you believe it? I mean, I have been fantasizing about bear-spraying Darren for years but this guy was actually willing to do it.
I know what you are thinking: Darren can’t really be that bad. But he is. He’s loud, obnoxious and always forces his way into conversations. Similar to how that bear “forced” its way through my back door to inflict a short-lived but bloody reign of terror on my cowering guests. Sure, Darren does not leave partygoers with blunt-force trauma wounds to the head and torso, but the effect on the party vibes, I think, is pretty analogous.
I would definitely say that the two worst things that happened at my party, in no particular order, were the eight-hundred-pound killing machine cutting a swath through my defenceless and terrified guests, and Darren awkwardly inserting himself into a conversation between Jennifer and me. As in Jennifer Parsons. As in the same Jennifer I have been trying to get with for two years. I was like, “Dude, what are you doing?” and she was all like, “Ahhhh! Jesus God no!” Luckily Jennifer was smart enough to play dead until Darren lost interest.
I think what really pissed me off was how the bear seemed to purposely bypass Darren after it had already devoured and maimed most of the invited guest list. It made me wonder if they came together. Or maybe the bear was just avoiding Darren like everyone else. Either way, by the end the bear was just hanging out, disinterestedly pawing at the appetizer tray while Darren was cueing up some crappy playlist on my computer. Let’s just say it was it was not the best time for the bear to lose interest in mauling people.
(And the playlist? God, it was terrible. Right, Darren, Chumbawamba is exactly what victims of a traumatic animal attack want to listen to. That guy is completely clueless.)
I bet you the bear and Darren did come together. I’ll have to ask my buddy Mike when he emerges from his coma, but it would not be the first time Darren has brought a total dud. One time he showed up to one of my parties with a real piece of work, Neil. This guy was a disaster, just a total nightmare. At one point Neil bumped into Jennifer and spilled red wine all over her. Thinking about that party still keeps me up at night.
Overall, I would say the fiesta last night was a mild success. Not my best but not my worst. Vicious animal attacks happen sometimes, and at least the bear had the good sense to leave when I called the police. Not like Darren, who lingered for another forty minutes. And even then I am pretty sure he grabbed a bunch of salmon wraps from the appetizer table before sneaking out. Though, to be fair, that might have been the bear.
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