We all know how annoying little brothers and sisters can be. They constantly want ridiculous things like food and attention. They never leave you alone. And forget about trying to get one to keep a secret. They see you doing one little thing wrong, and they’re immediately telling Mom. But thanks to a simple procedure that you can perform in the comfort of your own home, your suffering can end once and for all. Older brothers and sisters will rejoice once they’ve employed my seven-step process for lobotomizing a sibling.
Before we begin, let’s make sure we’re clear on what a lobotomy is: a surgical procedure in which part of the patient’s brain is either removed or damaged as a means of altering their behavior. This was most commonly performed on mental patients in the hopes that by destroying the part of the brain that facilitated a particular disorder, that disorder would disappear and a healthy person would remain. Unfortunately, most of the patients that were lobotomized ended up as drooling idiots who could no longer function properly.
However, every cloud has its silver lining, and ours happens to be that a catatonic drooling idiot is exactly what we want. Once you’ve performed this little operation, your little demon will never be able to bother you again. And I’m going to show you how to do it.
I have, to date, performed nine of these surgeries. And each one has been an absolute success. The first two were on my own brothers, and they have since become bundles of vegetative joy. The other seven were the siblings of friends of mine who witnessed the dramatic improvement in the quality of my life and wanted it for themselves. They have been so happy with my work that they now refer to me as Dr. Cascio.
But enough about me, let’s get you ready for the big event. You’re going to need a few things before you get started. A drill — with a good masonry bit — and a soldering iron are going to be your primary surgical instruments for this procedure. Both of these items can probably be found in your father’s toolbox, or around his workbench in the garage. If not, then you’ll have to spend some coin and buy them at the hardware store. The only other items you will need are a roll of duct tape and a drop cloth to contain the mess. The cloth can be anything, really. Go ahead and take your mother’s bedsheet and then blame it on the kid. After what you’re going to do to him, he won’t be able to argue, let alone speak.
When you’ve gathered all of your tools, you’re ready to begin. The first thing that you need to do is get the kid alone in the house. If you regularly babysit the little brat, then just wait for Mom to leave. If this isn’t a normal occurrence, then you’ll have to get creative in finding a reason for your parents to go out while leaving you in charge. It’s not that hard. You’ll think of something.
Once you’re alone, it’s time to act. Bonk the little bugger over the head with any blunt object you choose. Children are easy to knock out, and your fist should be more than adequate. Just don’t hit him too hard, or you’re going to have a lot of trouble explaining to Mom why little Johnny’s new favourite game is to play dead for hours on end.
Immediately after knocking him unconscious, prepare for surgery. Carry him into whatever room you plan on using as your operating room, and lay him down on the drop cloth. This is when you should plug in the soldering iron, to let it heat up. You’ll also want to duct-tape his mouth shut, in case he wakes up while you’re drilling into his skull.
Now we move on to the fun part. While bracing his head between your knees, drill a shallow hole into his head. It doesn’t really matter where on his head you choose; a brain is a brain, right? Make sure, however, that you only penetrate the skull slightly, or else as we mentioned before, you’ll have a whole different set of problems to deal with when Mom gets home.
With your little burden unconscious, and with a small chasm in his cranium, grab your soldering iron, which should be searing hot by now. Then, ever so gently, singe the brain matter exposed by the hole you created. Remember, a little goes a long way. You don’t want to destroy too much of his tiny brain, or else you might not be able to pass him off as the same dirt-eating brat that he was before you decided to lobotomize him.
At this point the surgery is nearly complete; all that’s left is to plug the hole. Again, anything will do. Chewing gum, some wadded-up toilet paper, or even a piece of that old chicken nugget that’s been festering under the couch will suffice. When you’ve chosen your bung, cram it in there.
It’s time to clean up. Put your tools away first, and make sure they are put back in exactly the same places they came from. After that, you need to dispose of the drop cloth. I like to remove it from underneath my patient by means of the old magician’s tablecloth trick. Just count to three, and then yank it out from under him as fast as you can. After your brief impersonation of Malsquando the Magician, throw the cloth in the garbage. Your work is now done.
Alas, the days of us being driven mad by our siblings are over. We will never have to fetch snacks, suffer hours of whining, or worry about being tattled on again. Do-it-yourself lobotomies have changed my life for the better. So do yourself a favour, and let one change yours.
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