Archive | May, 2010
Wicked Witch’s Lament
Sitting in my castle gloomy, Feeling old and rather rheumy, Thinking of the peasants beaten, Scrumptious children I have eaten, There is nothing left to do or see. Getting old (two hundred eighty), Every sagging bit more weighty, Worst of all, I’m awfully smelly Covered in bat guts, newt jelly, A shame a bath would […]
Why I’m Going Straight to Hell
I scanned Millie’s classroom, full of alphabet cut-outs and easy math problems, doing everything I could to avoid making eye contact with the other parents. Tonight was Family Night. Millie’s teacher had sat us down in what she called the Parents’ Sharing Circle to tell our children stories of an instance when we had done […]
Reality-Based Insults for Insulting Someone’s Relatives Other Than Their Moms
Your uncle is so fat . . . that when he gets buried next to your aunt they are really going to need to dig a big hole! Your daughter is so filled with your genetic material . . . that her male children will probably bald early and be prone to depression too! Your […]
Fridges
Fridges like magnets. Fridges enjoy a family photo or two. Fridges are good at keeping secrets. Fridges like to eat. Fridges are not picky eaters. They aren’t fussy about best-before dates. They never complain about leftovers. Fridges are good at compartmentalizing. They’re known for their stick-to-it-iveness. Fridges welcome your touch. Fridges don’t consider anything an […]
A Report on the Awkwardness of Humorous Takeover
Good people! Nay, only people! (For goodness is a notion bound to make an already complicated matter even more wretchedly complicated.) I come to you with a grave warning about society at large! We are being monstrously demoralized and hoodwinked before our very eyes and ears and noses and mouths! We are being manipulated to […]
