Dear William,
Your behaviour at our Day of the People’s Glorious Revolution holiday celebration, was, to put it mildly, somewhat inappropriate. Unshed tears of dismay replaced the tears of joy we shed usually upon this day. It is worth noting that many who were unable to shed tears of joy did not receive their “Tears of Joy Shed on DPGR Day Bonus.” Most employees use this bonus to buy sugared treats and confectionary buns for their children. There will be no buns. I hope you are pleased.
It is indeed difficult to know where I should begin. Edu-Nexus-Flax is a respected and profitable Sino-American joint venture. Our employees are expected to exercise certain levels of decorum. While there is room for indecency (Margaret, last May Day), you have managed somehow to exceed this generous limit.
Upon arrival, it was noted by many present that you were not sober. Nor were you full clothed. In fact, the clothes you did pick out were unacceptable. A sleeveless Garth Brooks T-shirt hardly counts as “black tie,” as I’m sure you are well aware. It was not even clean. Garth Brooks is not even good.
You then proceeded – with great enthusiasm I might add – to reenact the 1937 Japanese invasion of Shanghai with objects on Table #17. You threw wine on Zhang Jun (from accounting) while screaming, “Blood in the streets!” And then proceeded to run around the room with outstretched arms – presumably, like an airplane – ripping off hairpieces and “bombing” other tables with them. This, I must stress, was, given that it was a formal occasion, aggravating. You must have noted, I believe, that one of the heads of hair you removed (one of the black ones) was mine.
It was expected that after the outburst you would settle down and enjoy the entertainment. However, you promptly ran out of the room; you then returned, as you might remember, with a Taiwan-shaped balloon on a string. This you proceeded to tie around my neck. You then kicked my 8-year-old daughter in the chest, screamed something about nuclear proliferation, assumed a tai chi pose, and bit the string with your incisors – freeing the balloon to frigid silence. Given the rather staid nature of the affair and the number of high-level government officials present, this was sure to garner no favour.
Lastly, but somewhat importantly, you removed your remaining clothes. After this, you dove into the cake (crafted by chefs into a life-size image of our Leader) and proceeded to roll around urinating, repeatedly attempting to trigger your gag reflex. This, William, was simply not on form.
I sincerely hope that next time you exercise a little more self-restraint.
— Li Xiong
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