Wile E. Coyote, arguably the world’s most famous coyote, has been hospitalized with severe depression, said sources close to the animal.
Best known for roles in the Warner Bros.’ exploratory documentary series “Looney Tunes,” the coyote was oft portrayed as socially impotent and unable to fulfill important goals.
The coyote was airlifted from his remote, desert mansion to a hospital in a neighboring town.
“It’s sad really,” said one friend, who wished to remain anonymous.
“But at the same time, it’s scary as Hell,” he added forcefully, “that guy has got more TNT in his basement than those crazed ex-marines you’re always reading about in the newspapers.”
Of concern to friends and neighbors is the massive stockpile of nuclear-class armaments – mainly gleaned from his lucrative ACME corporate sponsorship deal – the coyote has stashed in his cellar.
An ACME spokesperson was reluctant to comment, but did so anyway.
“Listen, you have to understand the, uh, difficult position he’s put us in,” Reggie Sessbald said, sweating profusely.
“We’re unwilling to release the exact figures here, but it’s estimated that Wile is in possession of country-smashing, world-domination-style weaponry.”
“And we’re not talking about wussy-ass nukes,” he added, shaking his head and walking away.
Doctors at the St. Mary of Jesus-Saint-Holiness hospital were visibly uncomfortable and shaky.
“Listen, it’s best if you just left,” Dr. Emanuel Rodriguez told thisFeathertale correspondent.
“We don’t, you know, want to upset him,” Dr. Rodriguez said, glancing side to side.
“If he gets out of here and he’s still messed up, we’re all goners. Oh God, I shouldn’t have said that. Don’t print this!”
The Roadrunner, who shared the silver screen with the coyote in his earlier days, was unable to comment and was last seen along the Mexican border trailed by clichéd dust clouds.
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