“…And Jake, I hate you because of second semester, Grade 10. Specifically, when you publicly renamed me…we all know what…and then stripped me and forced me to march…through…Oh God, I can’t go on. Mrs. Gerriganz! Look what they’ve done to me!”
* * *
“…Okay, I know this sounds strange. But no one actually told me that I was this year’s valedictorian…”
* * *
“…Duh! I said. Man, what an asshole. Anyway, that’s why school was so awesome this year. Big ups to Jake and Paulo. Peace.”
* * *
“…and as for the imperialistic apologists in the Geography department who gave me an F when I labeled Tibet as ‘not being part of China’…scribbling out California on the U.S. map and writing ‘Rightfully Mexico’s’…and to the bastards in the History department who dared contradict me on the overthrow of the democratically elected Allende…Finally, I got my acceptance out of this hell hole…HELLO BERKELEY!”
* * *
“…and so instead of a boring speech I have prepared an interpretive dance, sans-clothes, in which I portray El Diabla De Espiaranza, the demonic seniorita of whom I am merely an offshoot…”
* * *
“…Oh…God, what a surprise! I mean, who could have expected that you’d choose me, your principal…”
* * *
“…and that’s why I and not – for example – Billy Green deserved to be your valedictorian. Yeah, Billy. Ya’ hear that? Huh? Ya’ hear?”
* * *
“…Let us, then, take 90 minutes of silence in solidarity for those women who were labeled, like I often was at lunchtime by Brian Sanders, a witch – but whom were unfortunate enough to die without having a platform upon which to speak, like I have here been granted, over, I assume, the objections of people like, say, for example, Brian Sanders…”
* * *
“…One small step for man; one giant ass step for Arkansas Sub-District Metropolitan Public High School!!!”
* * *
“…and that concludes my 7000 word piece of experimental fiction which formed the crown jewel of my application to Yale…Oh yeah, uh, happy graduation…”
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