Now this is a long process and it won’t come easy, but if you will insist on eating grilled cheese sandwiches while you scramble through your essay at 2 a.m. then you’re going to have to face it. Mmm, grilled cheese sandwiches: Crispy-brown on top and that satisfyingly mushy, greasy filling…
Ahem, so that’s exactly the type of thoughts you should be avoiding. You have to clear your mind, let every muscle relax. Imagine a ball of light moving through your body, soothing every last ache away. Visualise it, entering your mouth, moving down your throat, into your belly, imagine that soft, warm, artificial yellow glow of goodness as the cheese oozes into your stomach, and that lovely full feeling…
Well okay, forget the ball of light, can’t say I’m into all that hippy crap anyway. Call it meditation, relaxation, whatever you like, just let all the day’s events seep out of you, until there’s only inky blackness. Don’t think about university, don’t think about your family, and don’t think about your friends. Especially don’t think about that cute History student you met last night, the Geordie one called James, with unruly floppy hair you just want to run your fingers through, that cute way he says “way-aye man”, when you normally find the Newcastle accent ridiculous, his dimples when he smiles, that mouth you’d kill to kiss, or witness eating a grilled chee…
Blank! I Said Blank! Lets try something else. There are many other methods, so don’t despair if the first one fails, we’ll just have to take it up a notch. If you’re one of those skinny health-freak types then you could try jumping up and down on the bed for a while, or doing a fitness video if you’re that way inclined. Personally I’ve always found sweating offensive and pointless unless there’s a dirty great orgasm at the end of it, but whatever. To be fair, if you are in fact a health freak, chances are you haven’t been eating grilled cheese sandwiches. You probably had an apple didn’t you? Weirdo. But I digress. If in fact, you are normal, there are other methods I can recommend.
A great way to achieve sleep is to convince your body you already are. This may sound complex but is quite easily attained. Lie down, don’t change position, close your eyes, snore if that helps, and soon enough you’ll drop off. Be aware of the sounds around you, but incorporate them into a lulling, soothing dream. For example, listen to the wind, its gentle melodious gusts, rising and falling with the breath of your body. Wow, that’s some wind. Only time you’ll be breathing like that is if you’re having a heart attack. What’s going on out there? Sounds like a gale, there are trees outside. What if they fall into my room of my house, onto my bed and crush me whilst I’m pretending to be asleep so don’t see it coming until it’s too late?!
Okay, maybe that isn’t always effective, but there is one last technique: You can bore yourself to sleep. Look around your room and find the most mundane thing you can: That spot on the ceiling (wait – what the hell is that?), okay, the hair-band on the floor (must tidy my room tomorrow), alright, the random stray peanut on the desk, the escaped refugee from the packet you had earlier, seeking asylum under the lip of the plate: The plate that held the revered grilled cheese sandwich: Sandwich Of Doom. The cause of your demise into morning-time terror when you see the bags under your eyes that will stick to your face all day like limpets, that Geordie James will see and be repulsed by, that will destroy your Life!
I’m all out of ideas. My brain is dead. I will live and die a saggy-eyed spinster because of overdue essays and goddamn grilled cheese. There is no way to defeat the sandwich, the force is just too strong with it – hey, random “Star Wars” reference, I fucking hate those fil…(snore).
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