Dear Saint Nicholas,
A colleague of mine, Benny the XVI, who incidentally enough has a good rapport with your predecessor, Jesus, recommended I give Christmas a chance and write you a letter. I don’t really believe in you, Christmas or much in this world anymore but I’m getting on in years and wondered if you could give me back my country this holiday season.
Yours,
Tenzin Gyatso, 14th incarnation of the Dalai Lama
Dear Dalai,
How nice to hear from a heathen. I’m afraid I’m unable to grant your Christmas wish due to a recent increase in trade relations between the North Pole and China. Who’d have thought offshore migrant workers would be more cost-efficient than elf labourers? Hohoho.
Sorry,
Nico
Dear Kris Kringle,
It’s me again, Stevey. Thanks so much for the frozen cow shit you put in my stocking last year. Having an authentic hockey puck made me the most popular guy on Parliament Hill and did wonders for my image in Quebec. More of the same would be most appreciated again this year. I’d also like to take this opportunity to kindly remind you that you are living on Canadian soil and as such the Canadian government extends its request that you please remember to pay your income taxes this year. As usual we accept returns filed on birch bark and/or paper.
Thank you kindly,
Stephen Harper, Prime Minister of Canada
Stevey,
Canada? Never heard of it.
Yours,
Kris
Dear Grandfather Frost,
Apologies for the thallium laced cookies I left by the fireside last year. I didn’t think you’d actually eat them! Hope you’re feeling better. The usual monopolization and concentration of complete and absolute power wrapped up in red, white and blue tissue paper will be fine again this year. Don’t forget, I’ve got a nuclear sub under your ice-cap, so do be timely with the gifts.
Pozdrevlyayu s prazdnikom Rozhdestva is Novim Godom,
Vladimir Putin, President of the pseudo-Soviet Russian Federation
Dear Vlad,
No hard feelings. The beard has finally come back in full, as has my bone marrow. The elves tell me we’re short on gift-wrapped oligarchic powers, will embroidered socks and underwear suffice? About the sub: I’m afraid I’ll have to drop some sonar equipment down the smoke stack of the U.S. Arctic Command this year. Gotta keep a balance between the forces of naughty and nice in this post Cold War era, I hope you understand.
Bests,
G-diddy Frost
Fat Man,
I love the nukes you brought last year and the John Wayne collection made for some happy, happy nights. Was wondering if this year you’d bring some enriched uranium and Mel Gibson? I’m shooting a movie and need a lead actor. I’d kidnap him myself but I got yelled at in mean ways last time. He even made fun of hair. I no like being yelled at, I know you know good.
Toodles,
Kim Jong Il, Chairman of North Korea
Mr. Kim,
No gift for you! You’ve been a naughty, naughty boy.
Try again next year,
The Fat Man
Dear Mister Christmas,
Was hoping that instead of the usual complement of F16s you might consider gifting me and my government with diplomatic relations between Taiwan and the North Pole.
Doh je sin,
Chen Shui-bian, President of Taiwan
Dear Chen,
Am afraid I can’t officially recognize your letter.
Best of luck in the new year.
Unofficially,
Santa
Dear Santy Claus,
How you and the missus doin’? I think ’bout you good folks every mornin’ when I put on the big woolies you done left me under the tree last year. Yer doin’ a heck of a job, Santa, a heck of a job, and I’m sure the lil’ baby Jesus appreciates havin’ a good friend like you to bring joy to the world in these times of terra. My momma says I done extra real good these past 12 months. It was hard goin’, but I didn’t invade no new countries this here year so I done extended my lil’ Christmas list. God willin’, yo’ll find yer way down my chimney with no problems from Homeland Security. God bless you, me and America. Please find my list below. I put lil’ stars beside the must haves.
George’s wishlist:
• Davy Crockett Hat, just like the one ma daddy gave me when I was a lil’ feller *
• The Virginia Senate seats *
• Scooby Doo – the complete 1st season on DVD *
• A Banjo *
• Pair of bullhorns for the nose of Air Force One *
• Bottle of bourbon (our little secret) *
• A new escape goat for 2007 (preferably someone less articulate than me but just as hated as Don Rumsfeld)*
• Osama-Bin Laden’s head *
• Curious George the movie and soundtrack – I hear they’re real good *
• An exit-strategy for Iraq *
Thanks Santa,
George Dubya Bush, President of the United States of America
George,
Could hardly read your letter. Next year, please use pen and paper, no more writing with wax crayon on napkins.
Santa
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