Take a clean piece of 8” by 11” computer paper. Fold the paper in half. Keep your freshly folded piece of paper in your hand, and walk to the kitchen using your left, then right foot. Once in the kitchen, open the folded paper and place it in a dry space on the kitchen counter. Next you’ll need to fetch the pepper shaker. If you’re not sure where the pepper shaker is, ask your parents or search the cupboard above the toaster. Once the shaker has been located, go back to the dry space on the counter where you left the paper.
Holding the shaker a foot above the unfolded paper, begin grinding the shaker’s crank. This should cause pepper to fall to the paper. Continue grinding for 3 to 5 seconds. Summon your little brother to the kitchen using your larynx and vocal chords. Once your brother has arrived, raise the sheet of paper to eye level (your eye level). Be sure all flakes of pepper are lined up in the paper’s centre fold.
Relax your nostrils and tilt your head back so that you’re looking at the ceiling. Using both hands, raise the paper to your nose – placing the crease directly in line with one or both of your nostrils. Tilt the paper up towards the ceiling. You should now feel the pepper flakes amassing at the foot of your nostril. Inhale the flakes through your nose. You’ll feel a sudden urge to blow snot through your nose and mouth. Fight this urge. Discard the piece of paper, snap your head back to a normal position, and line your face up with that of your little brother as quickly as possible. You may now give into your internal urges and let the mucus fly from your face’s every orifice.
Now smile, and say: “Bless me.”
WARNING: Sneezing with your eyes open may cause discomfort, temporary blindness, and or death.
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