Mr. and Mrs. Johnston,
My client Bobby Mason has brought to my attention that the Mason and Johnston families are to engage in dinner tomorrow, March 19. This is unacceptable.
Firstly, I want to express how boring this dinner will be. Adults only talk about boring stuff, like washing machines and bathroom tiling. Last time Bobby and I (henceforth we) had to listen to a super-long story about Mr. Mason’s antique coffee mug collection.
Secondly, the Masons are well-known vegetable advocates. Bobby told me in class once that he had to eat all his cauliflower; this revelation was both icky and gross.
To accommodate both parties’ interests in this matter, the following actions must be taken before bedtime tonight:
- Communicate to the Masons that we will not be attending.
- Postpone all future dinners with the Masons.
- Hire Brittany to babysit and let Bobby come over; she plays G.I. Joes with us.
Failure to comply will result in the following:
- I will, at no later than 5 p.m. on March 19 (tomorrow), throw a tantrum and cry.
- I will be sullen and not talk at dinner, even if those gooey cookies Mrs. Mason bakes are promised.
- We will build a really super-huge pillow fort in the living room. This pillow fort will be awesome and have pillows from both couches downstairs, the big puffy brown chair that dad likes, the beds from upstairs, and as many sheets as required.
Further legal recourse will result if these actions are not taken by 5 p.m. March 19.
Yours,
Danny Johnston
March 18, 5 p.m.
Mr. Danny Johnston,
We received your letter dated March 18 at 5 p.m. and wish to communicate that your father and I (henceforth we) are not in agreement with your provisions. We feel the requests are unreasonable and excessive in scope.
Pursuant to Parental Court ruling on February 23, Danny v. Johnston Household, Danny must accompany his parents to all events familial in nature. This dinner satisfies the three rules of the Familial Test set forth by the aforementioned decision:
- All family members were invited to the event.
- All members of the family have been notified of the event.
- Notification was both verbal and written (on the calendar) at least one week prior to the engagement.
Note that the Familial Test does not require proof of acknowledgement of notification. You are going to this dinner, young man.
We hope this disagreement can be settled outside the Parental Court. If this cannot happen, we will seek a punishment of spanking and grounding without parole. Now get dressed and put on your nice brown shoes, mister.
Yours,
Betty Johnston
March 19, 3:16 p.m.
Betty Johnston,
Thank you for responding so quickly. I have reviewed your letter and have communicated with my client; however, we still don’t want to go to this dumb dinner. I can only find one shoe, anyway.
However, we are willing to compromise; please review the following:
- I will go, but Bobby and I don’t have to eat all the vegetables.
- I will not tuck my shirt in.
- We get to make that really cool pillow fort (subclauses remain applicable).
We feel this compromise suits both parties and is in the best interests of all. Besides, Danny v. Johnston Household was stupid. Where’s my other darn shoe?
Yours,
Danny Johnston
March 19, 4:23 p.m.
Danny Johnston,
Watch that language, little man! Don’t make me call your father in here! And that other shoe better be on your other foot soon, or we’re going to have a problem!
Here is what I am willing to offer; I hope you and Bobby find it agreeable:
- You will go and you will like it.
- You will absolutely eat all your vegetables.
- You will find your other shoe and tuck your shirt in by 5 p.m. today.
Please respond promptly as the deadline is approaching.
Yours,
Betty Johnston
March 19, 4:28 p.m.
Betty Johnston,
No! No! No! No! No! I don’t wanna go and you can’t make me! I hate this! I hate stupid dinners, and the Masons, and vegetables, and tucking in my shirt, and parents! I don’t wanna go ever! Bobby and me are gonna run away and we’re gonna be pirates!
Yours,
Danny Johnston
March 19, 4:59 p.m.
Danny Johnston,
You march your little butt out of your room this instant! Hal, would you come here? Your son locked himself in his room; bring the key. You are in so much trouble, young man! No TV or friends over for a week! You understand, mister?!
Yours,
Betty Johnston
March 19, 5:03 p.m.
Comments are closed.