WASHINGTON — Throughout recorded history, the children of earth have mobilized themselves to perform astonishing acts of kindness. Many of us no doubt recall such selfless and courageous deeds as the Children’s Crusade to save the Holy Land, the scrap drives to win World War II and, in more recent times, trick or treat for UNICEF. Now, in the dark dawn of the 21st century, our kids are stepping up to a new challenge: Rescuing the polar bear. In so doing, they may well restore the Arctic ice cap and save the earth from global warming: the greatest threat to humankind since, ironically, the Ice Age.
Little Sondra Hicks, 8, has enormous blue eyes that fill with sympathetic tears as she explains: “It’s, like, a totally cool idea! ’Cuz the ice cap is melting and the polar bears will drown!”
Responsible for this “totally cool idea” is Huck Sterman, founder of The All-New Ice Crusade and Skipper of the S.S. Knu-Tanic.
“Bless their hearts,” he says. “Children are so soft-hearted when I tell them about poor little Knute, the orphaned polar bear.”
Sterman plans, with the help of his little friends in port cities around the world, to save the polar bear from extinction.
The plan is so simple that a first-grader can explain it.
In the words of six-year-old Benson Gettis: “Kids collect lots of ice cubes from everybody and then Skipper Huck dumps them in the ocean at the North Pole.”
In addition to the S.S. Knu-Tanic, a derelict scow that Sterman has retrofitted with refrigerated storage designed to his secret specifications, the only equipment required is an insulated flask, resembling an old-fashioned thermos bottle. With patents pending, Sterman refuses to describe his inventions in detail.
But, says Sterman, “I rent the flasks to the children for only twenty bucks each, which is a terrific discount, considering the up-to-dateness of the technology. Then the kids go door-to-door – I insist that they go in pairs to cut down on molesting – and ask for donations of ice cubes. Once a week they bring their flasks to the ship and deposit the cubes in the holding tanks.”
The work, while gratifying for the children, is not without occasional disappointment. Seven-year-old Wendy Dervish indignantly reports, “One woman wouldn’t give me ANY ice cubes! She wanted them for a martini!”
In addition to cocktail-swilling women, there are others who would foil the children’s attempts to save the bears if they could. Representing one group of protestors is the Official Seal of the United States.
“Save the North Pole, by all means, but let those murdering furballs drown.” The Official Seal and his fellow pinnipeds plan to pelt Congress with herring guts until their demands are met.
Skipper Huck and the S.S. Knu-Tanic, with their precious cargo of frozen hope, will set off soon for the next port city on their Ice Cruise-sade: Baltimore.
For more information, or to send a donation, contact:
hucksterman@kidsRfun.com.
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