There aren’t any muffin men living on Drury Lane

Failed artists make for angry dictators
But mediocre actors make for witty presidents
Ronald Reagan kept jujubes on his desk
Bill Clinton kept interns under his
Monica Seles probably screams in her sleep
So did Hitler
Rome was born from a she-wolf’s teat
America was won by an axe wielding cherry-tree murderer
But knowing this won’t help you win at Risk
Julius Caesar gave his people salad
Marie Antoinette gave her country cake
Paul Newman gave the world charity dressing
I think it’s high time he got his comeuppance
There aren’t any muffin men living on Drury Lane
But there is a Wal-Mart, two Starbucks, and a child-eating corporation
Walt Disney fathered a rodent
And no one asked how
Tom Cruise fathered a girl
But no one knows how
Silent vacuums of terror can make good alien breeding grounds
Failed science-fiction writers can make wealthy religions
I’m not afraid of Scientology
But I am afraid of children with chemistry sets
They say baking soda and vinegar can create an explosion
I say, so can kidney beans marinated in prune juice