with a knife, of course or a vacuum a rope and a large stone a certain poison rubbed into the scalp maggots starvation the front left tire of a Honda Civic an industrial-strength washing machine a bone magnet helium a frightening story another cat, properly trained a bare hand and heart a human intellect a […]
Archive | April, 2007
Self Help
The Origins of Two Bumper Stickers: An Admission
I’m sure you are aware of the two bumper stickers most frequently used by the NRA to combat gun control laws. The first reads: “Guns don’t kill people; people kill people.” The second reads: “If you really want to kill someone, you’ll find a way to do it.” (Meaning that the gun is not the […]
On Marriage
hum hum. movie night again hum. morning. two eggs easy. toast. coffee. hum hum. the paper says hum and the kettle hum. and you in your flannel and me neck tied at work. the boss hums and carl from accounting and the new gal kathy and the photocopier hum hum hum. at home again you […]
A Nightmare, From Which 50 Cent Wakes Up Because He Smells Burnt Toast, Before Subsequently Realizing He Is Submerged In A Bloodied Hotel Bathtub, Short One Kidney, & Feeling Suspiciously Numb From The Waist Down
No, this is not how we do, this is not how we do at all.
Squid At Play
Alternate careers for former Expos mascot “Youppi!” should his stint with the Montreal Canadiens not work out
Elmo’s kooky uncle on Sesame Street Co-hosting Regis & Youppi! Seeing eye monster Motivational speaker Stunt double for McDonald’s Grimace Contestant in Dancing With the Stars Disgruntled union president for furry mascots Bodyguard for Brangelina Make a comeback starring in a Tarantino film Mascot for the Church of Scientology
Thomas Crapper didn’t invent the toilet
Thomas Crapper didn’t invent the toilet but we still shit on his name.