Burn it! Kick it! Stretch it! Wet it! Beat it! Throw it! Stomp on it! Stab it! Roll over it with your car! Nothing hurts the Wow-Sak! Ladies and gents, we have so much confidence in this product that tonight we bring you a live demonstration. You are right to be excited because this product will not only change the way you store your valuables, it will change the way you live forever!
Just to make sure I have your undivided attention, let’s start with a warm-up. When I say Wow! you say Sak!
Wow!
Sak!
Wow!!
Sak!!
Very nice job. You are going to be a beautiful audience. Everyone has something of value they’d like to keep safe, and the Wow-Sak is just the thing to protect your cherished items. First off, how about a few volunteers?
Little girl, come right on up. Tell everyone your name and where you’re from.
I’m Mandy from Cedars.
What did you bring to put in the Wow-Sak, Mandy? A baseball card? I didn’t know kids still collect those things. How much do you think it’s worth?
I don’t know, like a hundred dollars. It’s got my daddy’s picture on it because he played a long time ago before his accident. Now he doesn’t come out of his room and my uncle Raef says he ain’t worth a boiled sack of beetle shit . . .
Whoa! That’s a great story, Mandy. So just drop that card right in here. Just like that. Good job. And all you do is seal the triple-zip closure, and that baseball card is safe and sound. To prove it, what should we do as a test, guys? Hmm. Did I hear someone mention the tank?
Well, let’s roll it out! As you can see, this looks like any normal thirty-gallon fish tank, except for the electric eels! Now don’t you worry, Mandy. The Wow-Sak is made of double-reinforced polymers that repel water and won’t conduct electricity. Just you watch. Look at them go! Those eels really love the feel of that Wow-Sak. Just a few more seconds. No! Don’t reach in there, sweetie. Just stand back while they fish out the Sak. There we have it, but how is Mandy’s precious card?
It’s great! He looks just like he did before! Thank you, Wow-Sak!
Aww, isn’t that adorable. Can I get a Wow?!
Sak!
Wow!!
Sak!!
You’re awesome. Another volunteer? You, sir, come right up. Your name?
Frank, from Pensacola, Florida. Your slacks fit really well.
Oh, okay! Thank you, Frank! What have you got for us in the thermos?
It’s not a thermos. It’s a cryo-containment cylinder. I just had a vasectomy because my wife doesn’t want any more of my kids. But just in case, I thought I should freeze some of my sperm for whatever happens down the road, you know.
Put it in the Sak, Frank. Again, triple-seal it. Now what test would be best? Did I hear flame-thrower?! Stand back, Frank, and take these goggles. Boy, it’s hot in here, ladies and gents. Give it a few more moments. I can stand the heat if you can. Okay, now slip that container right out, Frank. Excellent! What do you think?
It’s still cold, so very, very cold.
Amazing! Have a seat there. Now, to prove that I will trust the Wow-Sak with anything, I’ve invited my dear old mother. Come on up. Give us your name.
Racine. I’m from Fresno, California.
Great. Now, you brought something that meant a lot to me when I was growing up: my departed dad’s favourite watch.
Actually, I didn’t bring the watch. I thought this was so exciting that Richard ought to be here to experience it with us, so I brought him.
Jesus Christ, Ma! Are those ashes?
You just open up that sacky thing there and let’s get going. Lookit there, he fits just right. So what are you going to do for the test? Ooh, is that the steamroller?
Ma!
Get out of the way, will you. The roller is coming on stage. Now in reverse! Goodness gracious. I don’t believe it. That Wow-Sak didn’t get a scratch! I should take a look inside. He’s perfect, not a bit different. You’re right. Everyone should have one of these.
Wow!
Sak!
. . .
Sak!
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