Patron: What is this?
Lackey: What do you mean?
Patron: I mean, I paid you good money to bring me the most important authors of our time, and you brought me . . . nineteen monkeys?
Lackey: I bought twenty, but there was a fight and . . .
Patron: Hence the empty work station.
Lackey: I’ve got feelers out to a couple of preserves. I’ll find a replacement.
Patron: That’s still only twenty. The proverb says “an infinite number of monkeys.”
Lackey: Okay, but the number of monkeys in the world is finite and shrinking due to habitat loss.
Patron: How many monkeys are there in the world?
Lackey: That depends on whether or not you count the humans.
Patron: Humans count?
Lackey: Scientifically.
Patron: Are you a scientist?
Lackey: No.
Patron: So how many monkeys?
Lackey: Well, there are seven billion humans, give or take. They represent the lion’s share.
Patron: And if we exclude the humans?
Lackey: A couple of million.
Patron: Jesus. Okay. Buy the two million and start a breeding program.
Lackey: With respect, the universe is finite. It is physically impossible to accommodate an infinite number of monkeys.
Patron: I thought you weren’t a scientist.
Lackey: I’m not.
Patron: Good, then you can find me an infinite workspace somewhere outside the universe where we can put the monkeys with the typewriters? Typewriters! What are those things the monkeys are using?
Lackey: Computers?
Patron: Does the proverb mention computers?
Lackey: I don’t think there were computers . . . Anyway, the computers are equipped with ChatGPT, which I think is important. Keep in mind the monkeys can’t read.
Patron: Any idiot can write with ChatGPT.
Lackey: Exactly.
Patron: No, it has to be low-tech. Technology saps the life from everything and leaves us with pointless drivel. If I wanted pointless drivel, I’d hire a writer. The monkeys represent our hope for an authentic story that will touch as all, but only if you give them typewriters.
Lackey: But look at that one . . .
Patron: Is he playing Minecraft?
Lackey: That one there has figured out how to apply for government documents. Oh, and that one there is siphoning funds from you and transferring them to the one with the passport.
Patron: Typewriters. I said typewriters. Was that so fucking hard?
Lackey: Well, they’re not exactly making a lot of typewriters these days.
Patron: Fix it. Fire these nineteen monkeys that you’ve polluted with your technology, replace them, and put them in front of typewriters.
Lackey: I would, but I’m afraid you’re ruined. I work for the monkeys now. They’ve engaged me to find humans to type the next blockbuster. Here’s your computer.
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