The Time I Got Drunk and Wrecked My Bicycle in Front of My Freshman Dorm
For the lead, I’m thinking someone with less of a drunk-for-the-first-time-in-his-life-on-Everclear quality, and more of an aloof cockiness (Shia LaBeouf, maybe?). And for the love interest, instead of having her disappear halfway through the first act like in the original, she ends up falling in love with the lead. She could check to see if he’s okay after he smashes his head on the sidewalk rather than laughing and going uptown with his roommate (Michael Cera for the roommate? Somebody wiener-y?). Also, I don’t think we need as much blood as there was in the original — let’s keep it PG-13.
1994
Now, I know the Internet message boards are going to scream heresy with this one. I can hear them already: “1994’s a classic! Stop raping my childhood!” Okay, calm down, fanboys, because I think you’re really going to like where we go with this one. Think of it more as a reimagining. What if the main character doesn’t flunk out of college? The way we’re spinning it, he doesn’t go back to live with his mom, and he doesn’t wait tables at the truck stop. That whole part’s gone (and between you and me, it didn’t test well with audiences in the original, anyway). In our story, he graduates top of his class (I’m thinking comparative lit degree; the producers are pushing for classics), and we skip right to 1998, where he’s a successful whatever. Cut out the crap — get straight to happily ever after. Gus Van Sant is eyeing the script.
The Time I Gave the Best Man’s Speech at My Friend’s Wedding
Obviously, first things first: the script needs a punch-up. The original was bogged down with way too much aimless improvisation. We get a Diablo Cody, a Quentin Tarantino, somebody who has an ear for dialogue, and let them work their magic. Maybe we keep a couple of the awkward silences and the clumsy blathering that gave the original its oddball charm, but we’re going to need the guy to actually say something worthwhile. Casting will be critical, especially the bride, who in the original seemed so cold, so humourless. We need somebody fun, somebody who can laugh, like Elizabeth Banks. Isn’t she great? I can’t imagine any best man saying anything inappropriate or mean-spirited about someone as cool as Elizabeth Banks. Especially at her wedding, with all her friends and family around.
The Time I Sang “Wind Beneath My Wings” at the Teen Talent Show
The problem with the original is that people simply didn’t get it. It was irony, you ignorant hillbillies! It was supposed to be funny! Like the lounge singer guy Bill Murray used to do on Saturday Night Live! So, okay. This time we play it straight. We get Michael Bublé to do the soundtrack and go totally inspirational with it. So we’ll have the “Wind Beneath My Wings” kid win first place instead of the lame so-called “stand-up comedian” with his unfunny Yoda impression that just about anybody in the whole school could do. For the stand-up kid, we’re trying to get the guy who played Screech on Saved by the Bell or someone else that everybody hates.
The Time I Got Fired from the Grocery Store (the First One)
Moviemaking technology has advanced to the point where we can finally make this film the way we wanted to in the first place. Back when the original was made, we did the best with what we had. The main character commits a series of petty offences, culminating in a poorly conceived joke about a customer’s shaving-mug soap purchase. He gets fired; he’s delivering pizzas the next week. Where’s the drama? Where’s the excitement? So we rethink the whole thing as a terrorist attack/hostage situation/crime thriller. Quick cuts and non-stop action as the terrorists crash through the windows, blow up the produce section, exchange fire with the cops in the cereal aisle, and then eventually come face-to-face with the one thing they hadn’t counted on: a lone bag boy, just a week from retirement, who’s already having a bad day. The bag boy wages a one-man war on the terrorists, taking them down one by one, until only the leader remains. The terrorist shoots, and the bag boy stops the bullet (slow-mo “bullet time” shot like in The Matrix) with a box of shaving-mug soap. He picks up the shaving-mug soap, looks at it, and delivers the signature line from the original: “Somebody must have a dirty shaving mug at home.” Jason Statham would be perfect for this.
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