Hello and welcome to the podcast for Thistlefield, Illinois’s Book Chat. I’m Lescott Baines coming to you from amphitheatre 3C in the Shriner’s Buck Palace on the corner . . . oh, sweet Jesus, with the buffer again. Frank. Frank! Shut the goddamned buffer off. The studio is red lit just now. Frank, don’t you raise your (inaudible). Today, we have a few guests on the show to discuss the latest literary concerns racking our community. After last night’s fortieth reunion of Mrs. Miksell’s Grade 5 class, a few of my former school chums are here to assist. First, there’s Gordo.
G: Yeah. Here? Do I talk here?
LB: It’s a headset, Gordo. Don’t think too hard. And then there’s Danno.
D: Yo.
LB: And Robbo.
R: Hey.
LB: Now I know it was late and we’d all been drinking, like, a bunch, but you guys did promise you’d wake up early and read these books. We’re going to be discussing the novels of Donald Trump. The trilogy, which I tell you is criminally underrated, starts with the — yeah, I’ll say it: sublime — Trump. That’s followed by a solid if unremarkable effort in Trumper. And last, the capstone on this mighty novelistic achievement, Trump: The True Trump Story: A Novel. Guys, jump in here.
R: What does sublime mean?
LB: It means awesome.
R: Oh.
G: I’ll say it, man. I didn’t read any of these books. They look like shit. Seriously.
LB: That’s disappointing. Danno?
D: Yeah, sure, man. I read them. Back to front. But I don’t remember them too good.
LB: You read them this morning.
D: Yeah, shit, but my pills. You know. The pills.
LB: All right, you guys do know who Donald Trump is?
D, G and R: Sure.
LB: And you know that the Donald is sublime?
D, G and R: Donald who? . . . Well, no, but . . . Let’s not go crazy.
LB: Just try to imagine that sublimeness in novel form. And then we can have a discussion. First up, what role does greed play as a motivating factor for the protagonist, Tonald Drump.
G: Well, like, tell us how it goes.
LB: All right. Awesome. Okay, there’s this guy, Tonald, and he’s an orphan. But he’s incredibly, unbelievably good-looking. Women are just falling all over this guy and he’s, like, four freaking years old!
R: I used to have that problem.
G: What? With falling all over guys?
LB: He busts out of the orphanage and . . .
D: Is there, like, a movie we can watch? Not now, but some other time.
LB: Danno, this is a trilogy. Movies ruin trilogies. Look at Alien.
G: Those were pretty good movies.
LB: Pretty goo . . . Get out.
G: What?
LB: You heard me. We have to learn to speak civilly if we’re going to have a fruitful cultural discussion. And when I hear what you just said about the Alien novels, I don’t think that’s possible any more.
R: Are you totally sure there were books? I thought they were, like, original screenplays.
LB: And how, Robbo, would you know the goddamned difference? You work at a meat packing plant.
R: Says the guy who lives with his mom.
(angry silence)
LB: Can we try to bring this thing back to the books?
G: Oh, so I can stay, can I? Need my insights more than ever, do you?
LB: Why don’t you start us off, Gordo. Pick a book. Any book. What was the last thing you read?
G: Something by Nigella Lawson.
D: Does she do porno?
G: Well, you gotta like those sweaters.
LB: Why, for the love of Mike, were you reading Nigella Lawson?
G: Well, she’s got a lot of smart things to say, about, like, politics.
LB: You don’t know what you’re talking about, do you?
G: Not so much.
LB: Danno, Robbo, please help us out. I hawked a Daredevil 158 to get the extra headphones.
(silence)
LB: You guys can read, right?
(silence)
LB: Seriously.
(silence)
LB: But how’d you get through grade school?
D: We copied you, mostly. So, we didn’t, like, do well or anything, but we passed. Plus, my dad sold Mrs. Miksell her moonshine.
LB: This is Faulknerian.
G: There’s no need for language.
LB: I’m amazed. And I will admit, not surprised. No wonder my cultural bents are so unwelcome in this town.
R: Well, that and the fact that you’re always reading out loud at the bar. People hate that about you.
LB: I’m testing the meter.
D: Whatever, it’s big-time annoying.
LB: Maybe we should end it there. How about we go to the bar and I read you a little Trump?
G: How about you stay here and get stuffed, Tinker Bell?
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