A violin is more than just a chin guitar

It’s perfectly normal to rub honey on your nipples
And lie naked in a chicken coop
So long as the chickens are sleeping
Dementia is a bitch
But it can also be endearing
Especially when I pee in the fridge
And put my socks in the toaster
They say it’s abnormal to talk to your reflection
But who the hell are they?
Like, honestly, who are they?
Please tell me
Because I can’t remember their names
It troubles me that exorcisms can no longer cure the mentally ill
But that shouldn’t stop the Church from trying
People like to tell you that an apple a day keeps the doctor away
Yet the irony is often lost
Because it was an apple that got us into this mess to begin with
I’ve never spoken to Satan
But sometimes I think he speaks to me
And tells me things
Like that it’s okay to pass gas at the water cooler
And then run away
A lot of people believe classical music can calm their pets
What they forget is that it can also make them pretentious
Never trust a man who lives alone with a cat
Nine out of ten historians agree: Mozart died of a bad case of gum disease
But I like to think he was poisoned
And that maybe one of my ancestors was responsible
A violin is more than just a chin guitar
But a goatee is nothing more than a chin beard
They say Beethoven couldn’t hear a thing
I say he was just self-involved

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