First of all, he would have to dispose of the six-foot-eight-inch blue eyed US Marshal watching over him from seat 37D.
I’m not too sure how that would go. That US Marshal looked pretty tough when we were standing in line to board the plane. But then again, that handcuffed guy does look a lot like a serial killer and is probably crazy enough that he might actually be able to kill that Marshall. Anyway, it’s pretty clear the US Marshall would have to die first.
Then that guy who’s so clearly a serial killer would have to take care of the newlyweds sitting between you and him in seats 37C and 37B. Judging by how the husband lost the argument you overheard during take-off – the one about whose parents they should visit first after the honeymoon – it looks as though he wouldn’t put up too much resistance. That said, after he’s been bludgeoned to death with the plastic fork on his eating tray, his wife in 37B might slow the serial killer down before he gets all the way to you in seat 37A. She was pretty feisty and nagging during that argument, she might be able to keep him occupied for a few minutes before he kills her, undoubtedly from a severe beating with the rolled up in-flight magazine, leaving you ample time to curl up into a ball in your seat.
Though in all fairness you should be the fourth to die, it’s somewhat unlikely. I’m sure you’ve noticed by now that in the row just in front of you in seats 36A, 36B and 36C there are three loud and obnoxious teenagers heading out on Spring Break. Their constant utterance of “Oh my God” and “Like for sure” seemed to irritate the serial killer earlier, so it’s likely he’ll off them before he turns on you.
By that point, there’s a chance the stewardess (you know, the one who smiled at you and handed you a complimentary newspaper when you boarded the plane?) might intervene, not knowing the severity of the situation, with a hot towel, some snacks or maybe a pillow.
You will undoubtedly mistake her blood curdling screams and untimely death at 1,400 feet as her courageous attempt to thank you for flying Delta.
Though you will lament her beating – she was, after all, quite hot – you will appreciate the way her death has allowed you the time to uncurl and crawl over four rows of seats and lock yourself in the lavatory of this McDonald Douglas MD-88.
By then, you’ll be pretty safe as it’s not easy to unlock those damned bathroom doors.
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