$1.75 — 65-year-old man seeks roommate to share seven-story pleasure palace in Pyongyang ASAP!!!
What up people,
So I know this is totally last minute, but I had to kill my roommate in his sleep last night after he made eye contact with me. But, hey, as my father used to say, one man’s death is another man’s opportunity to capitalize on that death by creating a personality cult that cripples his nation’s economy. Or something like that. Anyway, here’s the 411:
The Apartment:
Definitely one of the least disgusting buildings in the city. Try finding another place with running water AND walls for less than $2. It’s just steps away from mandatory calisthenics class and six statues of me. If you’ve never been to this part of the city, you’re missing out (on freedom, mostly).
Me:
I was born on Mount Paektu beneath a double rainbow, as a swallow spread the word of my birth throughout the nation. (I HATE when my mom tells that story) Anyway, in college I was a political science major with a minor in lying about nuclear weapons. I feel like the only person I know whose career actually has something to do with what they studied!
I have a REALLY stressful job. I’m almost never home – most nights I’m busy with either Party meetings or improv class. But when I am in the apartment, I’m always down for a bottle of red wine and some German pornography. Or Men in Black. Seen it like 30 times.
I’m basically a pretty easy going guy, but I do have two big pet peeves: (1) not rinsing dishes before putting them in the dishwasher and (2) disloyalty of any kind (that includes any dreams you might have about my height).
You:
Don’t worry, I’m monitoring your internet use so I already know everything about you…jk. But seriously, I am.
My ideal roommate:
You know how to have a good time without having a better time than me. You’re a registered member of both the Communist party and the KISS army. And you love my 13 children as much as I do (not tough).
Hmmm, what else. Oh, anyone who moves in must love dogs, because I cook A LOT.
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